Comedy Quotes And Sayings

by allinspiration.com

Here is a collection of comedy quotes and sayings from various authors, celebrities, famous persons, and other sources compiled by allinspiration.com for you to read and enjoy.

“I think comedy has evolved like every art form, and people probably do less standing around and telling jokes, and more things that have to do with reality.”
– Adam Carolla 

“A lot of critics object to what I do, but I got into comedy to make people laugh, and I’ve always worked hard.”
– Adam Sandler 

“An archeologist is the best husband any woman can have; the older she gets, the more interested he is in her.”
– Agatha Christie

“One of my pet peeves is that sometimes the talents of my band get overlooked because, and it was the same problem that Frank Zappa had, with a lot of groups that use humor, people don’t realize there’s a lot of craft behind the comedy.”
– Al Yankovic 

“A pitfall of making a comedy with a studio-and it’s also an American cultural thing-is that I get tired of being encouraged to go always for laughs.”
– Alexander Payne 

“I’m standing in a slaughterhouse where the cattle are begging to become hamburgers. I have a right to be jumpy.” 
– Amelia Atwater-Rhodes

“Comedy is something that I’m definitely looking to get into. I had a little taste of it and I do intend on going to classes for it because I think it’s a different muscle, and it’s hard to find female comedians.”
– Ashley Greene 

“Okay, first rule of this carpool. No breaking wind in my car. The only gas that Bernie Mac want to be smelling is unleaded.”
– Bernie Mac

“Whatever success I’ve had, I always like to top it.”
– Bernie Mac

“I was living in a place where I was harming myself. I was irresponsible. I’d lost several apartments. I couldn’t hold a job. I was tired of being a no-good son of a bitch who called himself a man but was just a grown boy.”
– Bernie Mac  

“Sex education may be a good idea in the schools, but I don’t believe the kids should be given homework” 
– Bill Cosby

“A word to the wise ain’t necessary – it’s the stupid ones that need the advice.”
– Billy Cosby

“To be good, you need to believe in what you’re doing.”
– Billy Crystal

“Her lips full and inviting, she has an infectious laugh and glassy cackle in her eyes, and a 2000 volt sexual charisma that beckons me like a fluff girl on scuffed knees.” 
– Brett Tate

“Having a male gynecologist is like going to an auto mechanic who doesn’t own a car.”
– Carrie Snow

“Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, ‘Where have I gone wrong?’ Then a voice says to me, ‘This is going to take more than one night.’ “ 
– Charlie Brown

“You know you’re a hot mess when the only person buying you drinks all night is yourself.” 
– Chelsea Handler

“You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America’s Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn’t want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named “Bush”, “Dick”, and “Colin.” Need I say more?” 
– Chris Rock

“By the time I was 7 or 8, I wanted to be a comedy writer.”
– Chris Rock 

“I’ll go back to comedy clubs when they get a real no-camera policy, the same way they did with smoking.”
– Chris Rock 

“The only thing I would unequivocally say is that I have never had any interest in romantic comedy I just couldn’t do it. I think I’d be terrible.”
– Christian Bale 

“My background is in musical comedy.”
– Christopher Walken 

“Americans who travel abroad for the first time are often shocked to discover that, despite all the progress that has been made in the last 30 years, many foreign people still speak in foreign languages” 
– Dave Barry

“I think every group of black guys should have at least one white guy in it.”
– Dave Chappelle

“You know you must be doing something right if old people like you.”
– Dave Chappelle

“I’m desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.” 
– Dave Edison

“USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.”
– David Letterman

“I keep a lighter in my back pocket all the time. I’m not a smoker, I just really like certain songs.”
– Demetri Martin

“But long story short, I didn’t start doing stand-up because I wanted to have a TV show or be an actor or even wanted to write sketch comedy. I got into stand-up because I love stand-up.”
– Demetri Martin 

“To me, comedy is a game.”
– Demetri Martin 

“If your parents never had children, chances are you won’t either.” 
– Dick Cavett

“Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You.” 
– Dr. Seuss

“I like my coffee like I like my women. In a plastic cup.”
– Eddie Izzard

“Believe only half of what you see and nothing that you hear.” 
– Edgar Allan Poe

“You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 today and we don’t know where the hell she is.” 
– Ellen DeGeners

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