Comedy Quotes And Sayings

by allinspiration.com

“I went into a McDonald’s yesterday and said, ‘I’d like some fries.’ The girl at the counter said, ‘Would you like some fries with that?”
– Jay Leno

“Life is a drama full of tragedy and comedy. You should learn to enjoy the comic episodes a little more.” 
– Jeannette Walls

“A romantic comedy has to be funny and make you think about life; but the obstacle that has to be overcome is key.”
– Jennifer Lopez 

“Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you’ve got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn’t your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.” 
– Jerry Seinfeld

“Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God’s final word on where your lips end.”
– Jerry Seinfeld

“The Four Levels of Comedy: Make your friends laugh, Make strangers laugh, Get paid to make strangers laugh, and Make people talk like you because it’s so much fun.”
– Jerry Seinfeld 

“I wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?’” 
– Jerry Seinfield

“Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they’re eating sandwiches.” 
– Jim Carrey

“I could be the Greta Garbo of comedy, very secluded, but Garbo had a man who was beyond rich to support her.”
– Joan Rivers 

“Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?”
– John Mendoza

“For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off.” 
– Johnny Carson

“I’ve done comedy most of my career, which I love, but I wanted to expand.”
– Katey Sagal 

“I don’t know about the romantic comedy route, although never say never.”
– Kristen Wiig 

“Mean comedy is not really something that I personally gravitate towards or something that I do.”
– Kristen Wiig 

“I’m a pretty funny guy, and I would love to do a comedy with a bunch of funny guys – movie-star guys, where they could help me through it.”
– LeBron James 

“I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.” 
– Les Dawson

“Each of us is full of shit in our own special way. We are all shitty little snowflakes dancing in the universe.” 
– Lewis Black

“I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.”
– Lily Tomlin

“And this was why falling for the butterflies was never a good idea. I didn’t feel all bubbly and excited now. I felt cold and broken and empty.”
– Lindsey Kelk

“Disappointment is an endless wellspring of comedy inspiration.”
– Martin Freeman 

“The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with.” 
– Marty Feldman

“Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.” 
– Mel Brooks

“Fast food is hugely important in the life of a comedy writer. All we do is order in, and what we’re going to eat is hotly debated.”
– Mindy Kaling 

“What I’d really like to write is a romantic comedy. This is my favorite kind of movie. I feel almost embarrassed revealing this, because the genre has been so degraded in the past twenty years that saying you like romantic comedies is essentially an admission of mild stupidity.”
– Mindy Kaling 

“Alcoholism is a disease, but it’s the only one you can get yelled at for having. Goddamn it Otto, you are an alcoholic. Goddamn it Otto, you have Lupis… one of those two doesn’t sound right.” 
– Mitch Hedberg

“I use the word totally too much. I need to change it up and use a word that is different but has the same meaning. Mitch do you like submarine sandwiches? All-encompassingly…” 
– Mitch Hedberg

“My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said ‘No, but I want a regular banana later, so… yeah.’” 
– Mitch Hedberg

“The duty of comedy is to correct men by amusing them.”
– Moliere 

“Comedy deflates the sense precisely so that the underlying lubricity and malice may bubble to the surface.”
– Paul Goodman 

“I’m always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can’t understand is, if they don’t know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?”
– Paul Merton

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