Comedy Quotes And Sayings

by allinspiration.com

“Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that’s how dogs spend their lives.” 
– Sue Murphy

“If you play it straight it’s funny – the best comedy is always played straight down the middle. The adjustment is understanding from the screenplay that a moment is hilarious.”
– Tom Hiddleston 

“A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: ‘Can I help, sir?’ ‘No thanks,’ says the blind bloke. ‘Just looking.’”
– Tommy Cooper

“And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him. I said ‘Do you earn a living doing that?’ He said ‘Yes, this my livelihood.’”
– Tommy Cooper

“He said ‘I’m going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library. I thought, “That’s a turn-up for the books.”
– Tommy Cooper

“It’s strange, isn’t it. You stand in the middle of a library and go aaaaagghhhh’ and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.”
– Tommy Cooper

“Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.”
– Tommy Cooper

“So I rang up a local building firm, I said ‘I want a skip outside my house.’ He said ‘I’m not stopping you.”
– Tommy Cooper

“So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me “Can you give me a lift?” I said “Sure, you look great, the world’s your oyster, go for it.’”
– Tommy Cooper

“So I went to the dentist. He said “Say Aaah.” I said “Why?” He said “My dog’s died.”
– Tommy Cooper

“You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said ‘Parking Fine.”
– Tommy Cooper

“Comedy naturally wears itself out — destroys the very food on which it lives; and by constantly and successfully exposing the follies and weaknesses of mankind to ridicule, in the end leaves itself nothing worth laughing at.”
– William Hazlitt

“Though it make the unskillful laugh, cannot but make the judicious grieve.”
– William Shakespeare

“Lord, what fools these mortals be!” 
– William Shakespeare

“A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me, she said ‘no.”
– Woody Allen

“I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work, I want to achieve it through not dying.”
– Woody Allen

“I failed to make the chess team because of my height.”
– Woody Allen

“I’m very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.”
– Woody Allen

“Love is the answer – but while you’re waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions.”
– Woody Allen

“Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.”
– Woody Allen

“There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?”
– Woody Allen

“Don’t knock masturbation, it’s sex with someone I love.”
– Woody Allen

“I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it’s fantastic.”
– Woody Allen

“It’s not that I’m afraid to die, I just don’t want to be there when it happens.”
– Woody Allen

“To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering, one must not love. But then, one suffers from not loving. Therefore, to love is to suffer; not to love is to suffer; to suffer is to suffer. To be happy is to love. To be happy, then, is to suffer, but suffering makes one unhappy. Therefore, to be happy, one must love or love to suffer or suffer from too much happiness.” 
– Woody Allen

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