Cute Funny Quotes And Sayings To Make You Laugh

by allinspiration.com

Here is a collection of cute funny quotes and sayings from various authors, celebrities, famous persons, and other sources compiled by allinspiration.com for you to read and enjoy.

“I was married for nine years. Eight of those years were very passionate. But… well, passion‘s a mild word for it, really. It’s… well, it was more like war. ”
– Alan Bates

“If the facts don’t fit the theory, change the facts.”
– Albert Einstein

“When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That’s relativity.”
– Albert Einstein

“All the things I really like are either immoral, illegal or fattening.”
– Alexander Woollcott

“Some people are like Slinkies – not really good for anything, but you still can’t help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.”
– Anonymous

“I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with Guess on it. I said, Thyroid problem?”
– Arnold Schwarzenegger

“I think any man in business would be foolish to fool around with his secretary. If it’s somebody else’s secretary, fine.”
– Barry Goldwater

“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
– Benjamin Franklin

“Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.”
– Benjamin Franklin

“He who laughs last has not yet heard the bad news.”
– Bertolt Brecht

“I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.”
– Bertrand Russell

“The world is full of magical things patiently waiting for our wits to grow sharper.”
– Bertrand Russell

“A word to the wise ain’t necessary – it’s the stupid ones that need the advice.”
– Bill Cosby

“Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap-on-a-rope.”
– Bill Cosby

“Money won’t buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem.”
– Bill Vaughan

“My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.”
– Billy Connolly

“Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.”
– Bob Rubin

“As a child my family‘s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.”
– Buddy Hackett

“I’m an idealist. I don’t know where I’m going, but I’m on my way.”
– Carl Sandburg

“All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height.”
– Casey Stengel

“There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.”
– Chris Rock

“A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.’”
– Claude Pepper

“If I had a single flower for every time I think about you, I could walk forever in my garden. ”
– Claudia Ghandi

“They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.”
– Clint Eastwood

“I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste. ”
– David Bissonette

“A vegetarian is a person who won’t eat anything that can have children.”
– David Brenner

“I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.”
– David Lee Roth

“A pessimist is a person who has had to listen to too many optimists.”
– Don Marquis

“Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.”
– Don Marquis

“I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.”
– Douglas Adams

“If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question? ”
– Edith Ann

“I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.”
– Elayne Boosler

“Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.”
– Elbert Hubbard

“I love thee to the depth and breadth and height my soul can reach. ”
– Elizabeth Barrett Browning

“My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She’s ninety-seven now, and we don’t know where the hell she is.”
– Ellen DeGeneres

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