Cute Funny Quotes And Sayings To Make You Laugh

by allinspiration.com

“My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.”
– Mitch Hedberg

“The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he is a baby.”
– Natalie Wood

“To keep your marriage brimming, With love in the loving cup, Whenever you’re wrong, admit it; Whenever you’re right, shut up.”
– Ogden Nash

“A woman’s mind is cleaner than a man’s: She changes it more often.”
– Oliver Herford

“Roses are red, violets are blue, I’m schizophrenic, and so am I.”
– Oscar Levant

“Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.”
– P. J. O’Rourke

“I love you not because I need you, I need you because I love you. ”
– Philippos

“Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.”
– Phyllis Diller

“Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?”
– Phyllis Diller

“I love you like crazy, baby ‘Cuz I’d go crazy without you. ”
– Pixie Foudre

“Any kid will run any errand for you, if you ask at bedtime.”
– Red Skelton

“By all means let’s be open-minded, but not so open-minded that our brains drop out.”
– Richard Dawkins

“I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry. ”
– Rita Rudner

“In every marriage more than a week old, there are grounds for divorce. The trick is to find, and continue to find, grounds for marriage.”
– Robert Anderson

“I always wondered why babies spend so much time sucking their thumbs. Then I tasted baby food.”
– Robert Orben

“Older people shouldn’t eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get.”
– Robert Orben

“My computer goes down on me more often than my girlfriend.”
– Robert Paul

“I’m sorry, if you were right, I’d agree with you.”
– Robin Williams

“Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?”
– Robin Williams

“I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.”
– Rodney Dangerfield

“I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.”
– Rodney Dangerfield

“I was showing early symptoms of becoming a professional baseball man. I was lying to the press.”
– Roger Kahn

“Nobody believes the official spokesman, but everybody trusts an unidentified source.”
– Ron Nesen

“I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade… And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.”
– Ron White

“Before I refuse to take your questions, I have an opening statement.”
– Ronald Reagan

“Recession is when a neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you lose yours.”
– Ronald Reagan

“I love you, not only for what you are, but for what I am when I am with you. ”
– Roy Croft

“A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.”
– Steve Martin

“A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths.”
– Steven Wright

“I intend to live forever. So far, so good.”
– Steven Wright

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