Funny Christmas Quotes And Sayings

by allinspiration.com

Want some Christmas humor? Check out these funny Christmas quotes and sayings and have a good laugh.

“Chum was a British boy’s weekly which, at the end of the year was bound into a single huge book; and the following Christmas parents bought it as Christmas presents for male children.”
– A. E. van Vogt

“The pattern of a newspaperman’s life is like the plot of ‘Black Beauty.’ Sometimes he finds a kind master who gives him a dry stall and an occasional bran mash in the form of a Christmas bonus, sometimes he falls into the hands of a mean owner who drives him in spite of spavins and expects him to live on potato peelings.”
– A. J. Liebling

“May I share with you my earliest memory of a political row? It was with my mother, about the Queen – classic Freudian stuff, shrinks would say. I was eight, and refusing to watch the Queen’s Christmas Day broadcast.”
– Alastair Campbell

“No sane local official who has hung up an empty stocking over the municipal fireplace, is going to shoot Santa Claus just before a hard Christmas.”
– Alfred E. Smith

“People have nannies and big cars, and they want to go to Maui for Christmas. When there are those kind of stakes involved, people get ruthless.”
– Amy Sherman-Palladino

“I love cooking during Christmas, all smells like the hot apple cider, the hot spiced wine.”
– Amy Smart

“I’m sure most of us remember being a kid and you have all of this endless time where two weeks before Christmas feels like ten years. I used to go to bed to try and go to sleep to try and make it go faster.”
– Andrea Arnold

“I’m going to take the kids away over Christmas but I don’t, I’ve written 14 musicals now, I don’t want to rush into doing something just for the sake of doing it. I want to do it when I find a story.”
– Andrew Lloyd Webber

“Orphans, dead parents, lonely children at Christmas, morose spoken word recordings, everything you love about the holidays. Move the turkey over so you can fit your head in the oven.”
– April Winchell

“Santa Claus wears a Red Suit, He must be a communist. And a beard and long hair, Must be a pacifist. What’s in that pipe that he’s smoking? ”
– Arlo Guthrie

“What I’m not saying is that all government spending is bad. It’s not – far, far from it, but there is no free lunch, as a former colleague of mine used to say. There is no public tooth fairy. Father Christmas does not work on the Treasury staff this year. You can never bail someone out of trouble without putting someone else into trouble.”
– Arthur Laffer

“I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included.”
– Bernard Manning

“The next thing I wrote was in a writing class at night school. It was about a poor woman who worked at a dime store and who was all alone for Christmas in Laurel, Mississippi.”
– Beth Henley

“How touching to have the meaning of Christmas brought to us by cola, fast food, and beer… Who’d have ever guessed that product consumption, popular entertainment, and spirituality would mix so harmoniously? ”
– Bill Watterson

“There are three stages of man: he believes in Santa Claus; he does not believe in Santa Claus; he is Santa Claus.”
– Bob Philips

“I make personal appearances around the country. I’m starting a book tour now, and I may be coming to Toronto with the Learning Annex, which I’m doing all through the United States, so that may come up just before Christmas.”
– Burt Ward

“Christmas is a time when you get homesick – even when you’re home.”
– Carol Nelson

“Besides the two Christmas things, we’ve got a about a dozen new tracks we’re working on.”
– Chris Frantz

“For me growing up, Christmas time was always the most fantastic, exciting time of year, and you’d stay up until three in the morning. You’d hear the parents wrapping in the other room but you knew that also, maybe, they were in collusion with Santa Claus.”
– Chris Pine

“It felt very natural to me to write a Christmas song, but at the same time I had to really put all sorts of pressure aside and just let the creativity flow and see what came out.”
– Christina Perri

“Yes, my first memory of singing, in general, was of a Christmas song. And then listening to Christmas music was really the first music I was ever connected to.”
– Christina Perri

“I intend to keep writing Christmas songs. There’s still a lot more about Christmas that can be captured and feel like old-time Christmas. A lot of the traditions haven’t been explained in song.”
– Clint Black

“Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his own choice.”
– Dave Barry

“We drive around the parking lot until we see a shopper emerge from the mall, then we follow her, in very much the same spirit as the Three Wise Men, who 2,000 years ago followed a star, week after week, until it led them to a parking space.”
– Dave Barry

“It is always weird to be in the studio working on Christmas music in June and July, so we decorated the entire studio, we really did. We brought out lights, fake trees and decorated the place to get in the Christmas spirit. You’d leave the studio, and it’d be 100 degrees out in Nashville, but nonetheless, a great experience.”
– Dave Haywood

“I’m so depressed. Christmas is the worst of all. Holidays are terrible, worse than Sundays. I get melancholia.”
– David O. Selznick

“You know, I started my career in politics in 1967. I’m not new to this. I did not just fall off the Christmas tree. I understand the world is complex. I know that there are people out there who want to hurt other people.”
– Dennis Kucinich

“I never believed in Santa Claus because I knew no white man would be coming into my neighborhood after dark.”
– Dick Gregory

“Windows are as essential to office prestige as Christmas is to retailing.”
– Enid Nemy

“There’s nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child.”
– Erma Bombeck

“That’s the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me. ”
– erry Seinfeld

“One of my favorite movies of all time is ‘It’s A Wonderful Life,’ which is a pretty interesting choice for a seasonal Christmas favorite, because it’s about a guy who wants to commit suicide and is presented with reasons not to.”
– Frank Darabont

“We never really had any kind of a Christmas. This is one part where my memory fails me completely.”
– Frank McCourt

“Well, because I have twin seven-year-old boys, I enjoy the gift giving stuff a great deal. We do both Hanukkah and Christmas, so it is a costly, though extremely pleasing proposition.”
– Fred Melamed

“I don’t know of too many double Christmas albums, so it is something that’s new, and hopefully will be fun, and there’s plenty of stuff out there to cut.”
– Garth Brooks

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