Funny New Year’s Resolutions For A Good Laugh

by allinspiration.com

Want to inject some humor into the New Year holiday? Get a good laugh by checking out these funny New Year‘s resolutions. You could make one or two of them yourself!

“And in the eternal words of Tom Haverford, “TREAT YO SELF!”

“Tell someone who you love that you love them on a more regular basis. To their face, not in a text.

“Great New Year’s resolution for my tenants—pay the rent first. Not your new jeans or her shoes”

“I have so many resolutions it’s probably easier to make a list of things I’m not going to do.”

“I think my New Year’s resolution is to stop using ‘!’ too much”

“I’m not even going to say New Year’s resolution—I’m already in transition”

“It may be the antidepressants talking, but I’m feeling somewhat optimistic about the new year”

“My New Year’s resolution is not repeat last year’s resolutions”

“My New Year’s resolution is to get @justinbieber to FOLLOW me”

“My New Year’s resolution is to get back on Twitter. I’ve been MIA and I miss it!”

“My resolution is not to have one!”

“Starting my New Year’s resolutions early by unsubscribing to unhelpful emails like things that want to make me buy stuff I cannot afford”

“To be able to sit down with a cup of tea and think, ‘People want to know what I have to say’”

“To quit being so conceited!”

“Try not to get fired or laid off”

“Actually work from home on my telecommuting days.”

“Always replace the gas nozzle before driving away from the pump.”

“Assure my lawyer that I will never again show up drunk at a custody hearing.”

“Back up your entire online life onto an external hard drive, especially your photos.”

“Be more decisive … I’ll absolutely try to attempt to think about resolving to be more decisive, if I possibly can.”

“Before you status update, Tweet, Tumble or Instagram, pause and say to yourself, “is it entirely necessary that I share this morsel of thought with my entire social network?” and if the answer is not, “yes, I absolutely must,” then step away from the Internet.”

“Call someone on the phone at least once a week, and speak to him or her for at least ten minutes.”

“Crap or get off the pot. This applies to whatever thing you’re not doing that you should just sack up and do already.”

“Cut down on exercise. Too much is bad for your health, it can even kill you.”

“Cut one person out of your life who you truly do not like and add one person who you truly do. Note: not on Facebook, on Earth.”

“Do not say “I can skip the gym today, I played Wii Bowling.” I at least have to play Wii boxing if I’m going to call it a work out.”

“Do not say, it was the dog, when I fart. I reserve the right to change this if I get a dog, but I think the excuse would work better if there was an actual live dog in the house when I said it.”

“Don’t blame the dryer for my shirts not fitting. I’m not taking away the possibility that the dryer shrunk my shirts, but it might have more to do with the 40 pounds I put on. Just maybe.”

“Don’t eat medicine just because it looks like candy.”

“Draw up a list of people who were nasty to you in the past year, get your own back on them in the next year!”

“Drink more. Wasn’t it Benjamin Franklin who said, beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy. So be happy.”

“Drive myself to the fitness center when I feel like going from now on … because walking there makes me perspire.”

“Eat more nice things like candy, Big Macs, popcorn and ice cream. Eat less crap like fresh fruit, vegetables and soy nuts.”

“Enjoy the sweeter side of life – M&Ms, Hershey kisses, candy corns, and cheesecake and …”

“Enough with the 14-day juice cleanses. If you want to lose a little weight quickly, eat less and exercise like crazy. If you want to lose a lot of weight slowly, do whatever Jennifer Hudson did.”

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