Funny New Year’s Resolutions For A Good Laugh

by allinspiration.com

“Find a way to save approximately 300 dollars and spend it on a flight to see a friend or family member who lives far away.”

“Gain some weight – I think I caught a glimpse of one of my ribs in the mirror yesterday.”

“Gain weight, at least 40 pounds. Didn’t your mom always say you were bit skinny.”

“Get dressed before noon…or at the very least, before the video conferencing call with my boss.”

“Get two friends to START smoking … that way I’ll feel less guilty that I don’t seem able to quit.”

“I promise to be nice to my dog. I won’t starve him to death more than 10 times…. in a month.”

“I promise to clean my room once a week even though I haven’t cleaned it more than once in the last year.”

“I promise to stick to these resolutions for more than a week (even though I never do).”

“I promise to stick to these resolutions for more than a week. ”

“I resolve not to call any phone number of any TV contest as they are always kept off the hook.”

“I resolve not to see any serial or movie in which any dead character is brought alive.”

“I resolve not to swim in any swimming pool without water.”

“I resolve to hold my breath and pull in my paunch when I cross my young secretary.”

“I resolve to stop poisoning my family with my cooking.”

“I resolve to stop procrastinating about procrastinating!”

“I resolve to work with neglected children. (my own).”

“I vow to never take a laxative and a sleeping pill on the same night!”

“I will actually laugh out loud when I type “LOL” to the person I am messaging with.”

“I will always “check for paper” before and after leaving a public restroom.”

“I will always replace the gas nozzle before driving away from the pump.”

“I will always wear clean underwear, “just in case”.”

“I will answer my snail mail with the same enthusiasm with which I answer my e-mail.”

“I will avoid taking a bath whenever possible and conserve more water.”

“I will balance my checkbook. (on my nose).”

“I will be more imaginative.”

“I will be smarter than a two-year-old. Forget being smarter than a 5th grader; I just need to be smarter than my two-year-old son. As a divorced father, that kind of just figures things out as he goes, sometimes I think he knows more about things than I do. Like which side is the front of the pull-ups and which side is the back. I get it right, but I can swear he laughs at how I have to look at it for a second first. :O).”

“I will buy a more accurate scale. Mine keeps reading the same old numbers!”

“I will cut my hair.”

“I will do less laundry and use more deodorant.”

“I will drink less beer, last year I drank enough beer to have kept the Titanic afloat.”

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