Funny New Year’s Resolutions For A Good Laugh

by allinspiration.com

“I will drive by a fitness center at least once a week.”

“I will drive more carefully, people are starting to notice the dozens of dents in my car.”

“I will eat more nice things like candy, Big Macs, popcorn, and ice cream. Eat less crap like fresh fruit, vegetables, and soy nuts.”

“I will find out why the correspondence course on “Mail Fraud” that I purchased never showed up.”

“I will give up chocolates totally. 100%. Completely. Honestly….”

“I will grow my hair.”

“I will keep an extra safe distance when driving behind police cars.”

“I will learn what the “resolution” means.”

“I will leave my brain at home while going to watch a Rajnikanth [ Images ] movie!”

“I will leave my brain at home while going to watch a supposedly scary movies like Scary Movie 1, 2, 3 & 4!”

“I will never again eat a jack fruit before going to a public function.”

“I will never again eat a jack fruit before going to a public function.”

“I will never again take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.”

“I will never again take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.”

“I will never shiver again while micturating!”

“I will no longer interfere in a game.”

“I will no longer waste my time relieving the past, instead I will spend it worrying about the future.”

“I will not bore my boss by with the same excuse for taking leaves. I will think of some more excuses.”

“I will not eat medicine just because it looks like candy.”

“I will not forget that I am in a phone conference call (and on the speakerphone with 20 plus staff members ) when the road rage strikes and I yell expletives when a driver cuts me off.”

“I will not gain any more weight. Losing weight is such a hard goal, so I figured why not make it easier. First maintain weight, then figure out a way to lose it.”

“I will not hang around girls – they think you love them and that sucks.”

“I will not hit “reply all” when intending on sending a private message!”

“I will not pretend to be at the check out stand and next to be checked out when in a phone conversation that I want to end.”

“I will not ring the stewardess button on airplanes just to get her phone number.”

“I will not sit and stare at the computer screen all day. Instead, I will make it a point to stand and stare at the screen for at least 30 minutes.”

“I will not sit at the computer all the time. I will try to stand while I type for at least thirty minutes a day.”

“I will not sit at the kitchen table in my PJ’s all day. Instead, I will move my computer to my bedroom.”

“I will not tell the same story at every get together.”

“I will not wet the bed and blame it on my younger brother.”

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