Funny New Year’s Resolutions For A Good Laugh

by allinspiration.com

“Learn what the hell “resolution” means.”

“Less e-mailing? Cancel at least a few of the 9 or 10 e-mail accounts I currently have.”

“My New Year resolution is: 1024 by 968 pixels!”

“My new years resolution is to pretend like I am interested in your new years resolution.”

“Never again will I try to diffuse an explosive device with a known practical joker.”

“Never pull away from the gasoline pump … with the hose still in the tank (darn those cell phone calls).”

“Not talk on my cell phone while in the bathroom doing – - – (you finish this sentence).”

“Play harder, work less … who needs a paycheck anyway?”

“Play more computer games. Scientists say they’re good for you and improve your visual skills. But you always knew that.”

“Please stop liking the Kardashians, all of them. It’s not helping anyone, least of all the Kardashians.”

“Quit making those SAME excuses … I make the same excuses each year, why I’ll do better next year, and it’s getting pretty old – this year I resolve to come up with some new excuses instead.”

“Read less books. A little learning is a dangerous thing. Too much of it can really wreck your head.”

“Read something this year … other than the comics.”

“Read those books I bought 5 years ago on “how to improve my memory” … I keep forgetting to read them.”

“Remember to brush teeth with bristly end of toothbrush.”

“Replace one terrible reality show you’re currently watching with one wonderful scripted show currently available on television. Swap suggestion: Real Housewives of Anywhere for HBO’s Enlightened.”

“Spend less than or equal to the money you earn each month.”

“Start buying lottery tickets at a luckier store.”

“Start preparing now to get over the fact that Facebook is probably going to change again in six months. You’re not going to deactivate your account. You don’t know how.”

“Stop drinking water instead of pop just so I can eat a sweet snack after dinner. Seriously, just drink the Pepsi and get the sugar craving over with.”

“Stop leaving my dirty gym socks lying in the middle of the floor. I’ll leave them on the kitchen table, where they’re easier to reach.”

“Stop pretending it isn’t time to take the garbage out yet, by repeatedly smashing it down ’til my arms ache. Really, wouldn’t it have just been easier to take the garbage out?”

“Stop procrastinating … (I think I just might start next month).”

“Stop repeating myself again, and again, and again.”

“Stop saying how hot every girl on television or in the movies is when I’m with my girlfriend. Instead, I should also mention how intelligent they are. That way she can’t say I’m being a typical idiotic male.”

“Stop setting three alarms on my phone, just so I can turn the volume off after the first one.”

“Take up some worthwhile new habit, like smoking – it helps keep tobacco workers in jobs.”

“This year, I will post a 2013 picture of me and remove the 1994,1995 ones!”

“Try and drive at or under the speed limit … at least when I’m not hungry, tired or late.”

“Try that food you think you don’t like but have never actually tried, unless it’s Brussels sprouts. They really don’t need any more attention.”

“Volunteer once over the next 90 days. You’ll feel really good about it, and probably end up volunteering again over the next 275.”

“Wait 30 seconds before you look up a fact you can’t remember on your phone, and try to remember it using your brain. This is what the olden days were like.”

“Watch more television -it IS the “window into the world”, right?”

“Watch more TV. It’s very educational. Catch up on all those programs you missed down the years.”

“Wear clothes that fit you, especially to work.”

“Wear something other than sweat pants to the grocery store”

“Wear something other than sweat pants to the grocery store … oops … there I go again!”

“When I hear a funny joke I will not reply, “LOL… LOL!”"

“Work less. Take it easy. All work and no play can make you a dull boy or girl.”

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