Funny Quotes Or Sayings To Tickle You

by allinspiration.com

Here is a collection of funny quotes or sayings from various authors, celebrities, famous persons, and other sources compiled by allinspiration.com for you to read and enjoy.

“Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.”
– Abraham Lincoln

“If I’m not back in five minutes… wait longer!”
– Ace Ventura: Pet Detective

“The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.”
– Al McGuire

“Intellectuals solve problems; geniuses prevent them.”
– Albert Einstein

“The hardest thing in the world to understand is income taxes.”
– Albert Einstein

“A good lawyer knows the law; a clever one takes the judge to lunch.”
– Anonymous

“I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn’t looking good, either.”
– Anonymous

“It’s frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.”
– Anonymous

“Where there is plenty of wine, sorrow and worry take wing.”
– Anonymous

“Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.”
– Anonymous

“A little greed can get you lots of stuff.”
– Anonymous

“Don’t question GOD, as he may say, if you are so eager for answers, then please come up.”
– Anonymous

“If women didn’t exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.”
– Aristotle Onassis

“To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first. And, whatever you hit, call it the target.”
– Ashleigh Brilliant

“There are three faithful friends, an old wife, an old dog, and ready money.”
– Benjamin Franklin

“Patience is something you admire in the driver behind you, but not in one ahead.”
– Bill McGlashen

“Roses are red, violets are blue, I’m a schizophrenic and so am I.”
– Bill Murray

“Mom & Pop were just a couple of kids when they got married. He was eighteen, she was sixteen and I was three.”
– Billie Holiday

“A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove you don’t need it.”
– Bob Hope

“Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.”
– Brian Gerald O’Driscoll

“I don’t kill flies but I like to mess with their minds. I hold them above globes. They freak out and yell, ‘Whoa, I’m way too high!’”
– Bruce Baum

“My mother’s menu consisted of two choices: Take it or leave it.”
– Buddy Hackett

“People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they don’t realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world.”
– Calvin

“Giving birth is like taking your lower lip and forcing it over your head.”
– Carol Burnett

“Men should be like Kleenex, soft, strong and disposable.”
– Cher

“You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.”
– Dean Martin

“That woman speaks eighteen languages, and can’t say No in any of them.”
– Dorothy Parker

“Accomplishing the impossible means only that the boss will add it to your regular duties.”
– Doug Larson

“Genius is more often found in a cracked pot than in a whole one.”
– E. B. White

“Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.”
– E. B. White

“For what is done or learned by one class of women becomes, by virtue of their common womanhood, the property of all women.”
– Elizabeth Blackwell

“You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 today and we don’t know where the hell she is.”
– Ellen DeGeneres

“People always ask me, ‘Were you funny as a child?’ Well, no, I was an …”
– Ellen DeGeneres

“Allow me to put the record straight. I am forty-six and have been for some years past.”
– Erica Jong

“I feel sorry for people who don’t drink. When they wake up in the morning, that’s as good as they’re going to feel all day.”
– Frank Sinatra

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