Funny Quotes To Make You Laugh

by allinspiration.com

Here is a collection of funny quotes from various authors, celebrities, famous persons, and other sources compiled by allinspiration.com for you to read and enjoy.

“Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.”
– Abraham Lincoln

“An archaeologist is best husband a woman can have: the older she gets, the more interested he is in her. ”
– Agatha Christie

“Confidence is the sexiest thing a woman can have. It’s much sexier than any body part.”
– Aimee Mullins

“The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets”
– Al McGuire

“Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed. ”
– Albert Einstein

“Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. That’s relativity.”
– Albert Einstein

“The hardest thing in the world to understand is income taxes.”
– Albert Einstein

“Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed.”
– Albert Einstein

“Love is temporary insanity curable by marriage. ”
– Ambrose Bierce

“A good lawyer knows the law; a clever one takes the judge to lunch.”
– Anonymous

“Pessimist : A person who says that O is the last letter of ZERO, instead of the first letter in word OPPORTUNITY.”
– Anonymous

“A consultant is someone who takes a subject you understand and makes it sound confusing.”
– Anonymous

“My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.”
– Ashleigh Brilliant

“To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first. And, whatever you hit, call it the target.”
– Ashleigh Brilliant

“Forgive me now – tomorrow I may no longer feel guilty.”
– Ashleigh Brilliant

“Love means nothing in tennis, but it’s everything in life. ”
– Author Unknown

“Due to lack of interest, tomorrow has been cancelled.”
– Author Unknown

“Love is the thing that enables a woman to sing while she mops up the floor after her husband has walked across it in his barn boots. ”
– Author unknown, as printed in The Hoosier Farmer

“I discovered I scream the same way whether I’m about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.”
– Axel Rose

“Why does a woman work ten years to change a man’s habits and then complain that he’s not the man she married?”
– Barbra Streisand

“Three can keep a secret, if two of them are dead.”
– Benjamin Franklin

“Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.”
– Benjamin Franklin

“The heart of marriage is memories; and if the two of you happen to have the same ones and can savor your reruns, then your marriage is a gift from the gods. ”
– Bill Cosby

“Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.”
– Bill Cosby

“Be nice to nerds. Chances are you’ll end up working with one.”
– Bill Gates

“Patience is something you admire in the driver behind you, but not in one ahead.”
– Bill McGlashen

“A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.”
– Bob Hope

“Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.”
– Brian Gerald O’Driscoll

“Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.”
– Carl Gustav Jung

“Men should be like Kleenex…soft, strong, disposable. ”
– Cher

“Cheese, wine, and a friend must be old to be good.”
– Cuban Proverb

“If it’s sent by ship then it’s a cargo, if it’s sent by road then it’s a shipment.”
– Dave Allen

“I was on the street. This guy waved to me, and he came up to me and said, “I’m sorry, I thought you were someone else.” And I said, “I am.”"
– Demetri Martin

“Men are simple things. They can survive a whole weekend with only three things: beer, boxer shorts and batteries for the remote control.. ”
– Diana Jordan.

“The world is divided into people who do things–and people who get the credit.”
– Dwight Morrow

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