Funny Quotes To Make You Laugh

by allinspiration.com

“You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 today and we don’t know where the hell she is.”
– E. DeGeners

“If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.”
– Earl Wilson

“I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.”
– Emo Philips

“A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.”
– Emo Philips

“Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.” ”
– Erma Bombeck

“Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.”
– Ernest Hemingway

“It is impossible to love and be wise. ”
– Francis Bacon

“By the time you’re eighty years old you’ve learned everything. You only have to remember it.”
– George Burns

“A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.”
– George Carlin

“If it weren’t for electricity we’d all be watching television by candlelight.”
– George Globol

“A man reserves his true and deepest love not for the species of woman in whose company he finds himself electrified and enkindled, but for that one in whose company he may feel tenderly drowsy. ”
– George Jean Nathan

“Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife. ”
– Groucho Marx

“You want a friend in Washington? Get a dog.”
– Harry S. Truman

“A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.”
– Helen Rowland

“As you were, I was. As I am, you will be.”
– Hell’s angels

“You can’t buy love, but you can pay heavily for it.”
– Henny Youngman

“I had a nightmare last night. I dreamed Dolly Parton was my mother and I was a bottle baby.”
– Henny Youngman

“People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.”
– Isaac Asimov

“Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.”
– Jack Handey

“My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch
– Jack Nicholson

“We must believe in luck. For how else can we explain the success of those we don’t like?”
– Jean Cocturan

“Avoid fruits and nuts. You are what you eat.”
– Jim Davis

“Blessed is he who has learned to laugh at himself for he shall never cease to be entertained.”
– John Boswell

“All you future Google Whores might want to pay attention to what I’m about to reveal.”
– John Chow

“If you’ve got them by the balls their hearts and minds will follow. ”
– John Wayne.

“Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.”
– José Maria de Eça de Queiroz

“I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said, ‘No, Six should be enough.”
– Les Dawson

“A woman in love can’t be reasonable–or she probably wouldn’t be in love. ”
– Mae West

“Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition.”
– Marilyn Monroe

“If you can make a girl laugh – you can make her do anything.”
– Marilyn Monroe

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