Funny Quotes To Make You Laugh

by allinspiration.com

“A woman has got to love a bad man once or twice in her life, to be thankful for a good one ”
– Marjorie Kinnan Rawlings

“When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much he had learned in seven years.”
– Mark Twain

“What would men be without women? Scarce, sir … mighty scarce.”
– Mark Twain

“The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d rather not.”
– Mark Twain

“What ought to be done to the man who invented the celebrating of anniversaries? Mere killing would be too light.”
– Mark Twain

“You can’t put a price tag on love, but you can on all its accessories.”
– Melanie Clark

“Women like me because I make them laugh. And what is an orgasm, except laughter of the loins?”
– Mickey Rooney

“Mumps, measles, and puppy love are terrible after twenty. ”
– Mignon McLaughlin, The Neurotic’s Notebook, 1960

“If evolution is fact, why do mothers only have two hands?”
– Milton Berle

“They’ve finally come up with the perfect office computer. If it makes a mistake, it blames another computer.”
– Milton Berle

“A young man fills out an application for a job and does well until he gets to the last question, “Who Should we notify in case of an accident?” He mulls it over and then writes, “Anybody in sight!”"
– Milton Berle

“The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he’s a baby.”
– Natalie Wood

“People who have what they want are very fond of telling people who haven’t what they want that they don’t want it.”
– Ogden Nash

“Nothing spoils romance so much as a sense of humour in the woman. ”
– Oscar Wilde

“Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.”
– Oscar Wilde

“Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go”
– Oscar Wilde

“I hate work. That’s why I got married.”
– Peg Bundy

“When a subject becomes totally obsolete we make it a required course.”
– Peter F. Drucker

“Never go to bed mad — stay up and fight. ”
– Phyllis Diller

“Love is a grave mental disease. ”
– Plato

“Women still remember the first kiss after men have forgotten the last ”
– Remy de Gourmont

“I love being married. It’s so great to find one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. ”
– Rita Rudner

“The older theory was, marry an older man because they’re more mature. But the new theory is men don’t mature. Marry a younger one. ”
– Rita Rudner

“When I eventually met Mr Right I had no idea that his first name was Always. ”
– Rita Rudner

“I guess the only thing to do now is meet his parents. I’m sure they’re decent people. I mean they gotta be if they named their son Gaylord Focker.”
– Robert De Niro

“By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day.”
– Robert Frost

“If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the up button.”
– Sam Levenson

“My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher. ”
– Socrates.

“It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I win or lose.”
– Steven Weinberg

“I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.”
– Steven Wright

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