Funny Retirement Quotes – Humor On Retiring And Retirees

by allinspiration.com

Want a good laugh related to retirees and retiring? Check out these funny retirement quotes and sayings.

“The trouble with retirement is that you never get a day off. ”
– Abe Lemons

“Retirement itself is the best gift. No gold watch could ever top it.”
– Abigail Charleson

HIBERNATE, v.i. To pass the winter season in domestic seclusion. There have been many singular popular notions about the hibernation of various animals. Many believe that the bear hibernates during the whole winter and subsists by mechanically sucking its paws. It is admitted that it comes out of its retirement in the spring so lean that it had to try twice before it can cast a shadow. Three or four centuries ago, in England, no fact was better attested than that swallows passed the winter months in the mud at the bottom of their brooks, clinging together in globular masses. They have apparently been compelled to give up the custom and account of the foulness of the brooks. Sotus Ecobius discovered in Central Asia a whole nation of people who hibernate. By some investigators, the fasting of Lent is supposed to have been originally a modified form of hibernation, to which the Church gave a religious significance; but this view was strenuously opposed by that eminent authority, Bishop Kip, who did not wish any honors denied to the memory of the Founder of his family..
– Ambrose Bierce

“Convent: A place of retirement for women who wish for leisure to meditate upon the sin of idleness.”
– Ambrose Bierce

“If you want the best retirement outcome possible, get rich. If that fails, consider getting married, staying married and doing your best to die before your spouse does.”
– Andrea Coombes

“It’s paradoxical that the idea of living a long life appeals to everyone, but the idea of getting old doesn’t appeal to anyone.”
– Andy Rooney

“At age 20, we worry about what others think of us. At age 40, we don’t care what they think of us. At age 60, we discover they haven’t been thinking of us at all.”
– Ann Landers

“Happiness is being retired and spending all of my kids‘ inheritance before I die!”
– Anon

“Americans will listen, but they do not care to read. War and Peace must wait for the leisure of retirement, which never really comes: meanwhile it helps to furnish the living room.”
– Anthony Burgess

“Preparation for old age should begin not later than one’s teens. A life which is empty of purpose until 65 will not suddenly become filled on retirement.”
– Arthur E. Morgan

“Middle age is when work is a lot less fun and fun is a lot more work.”
– Author Unknown

“Age is only a number, a cipher for the records. A man can’t retire his experience. He must use it.”
– Bernard Baruch

“Yes, I am thoroughly enjoying retirement! The best part is observing my neighbors drive off to work in the morning knowing that their day will be filled with jerks, brainless and endless meetings, jerks, vendor lunches where you hold your breath just waiting for the sales pitch until you regurgitate your pasta, more jerks and the eventual company reorganization of the section that was just reorganized last month!”
– Bill Kalmar

“There’s never enough time to do all the nothing you want.”
– Bill Watterson, Calvin and Hobbes

“God has a plan for your retirement.”
– Billy Graham

“I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap.”
– Bob Hope

“First you forget names; then you forget faces; then you forget to zip up your fly; and then you forget to unzip your fly.”
– Branch Rickey

“There is life after retirement, and it is BETTER.”
– Catherine Pulsifer

“Cessation of work is not accompanied by cessation of expenses.”
– Cato

“Gainfully unemployed, very proud of it, too.”
– Charles Baxter in the Feast of Love

“Never get out of bed before noon.”
– Charles Bukowski

“Nothing is more usual than the sight of old people who yearn for retirement: and nothing is so rare than those who have retired and do not regret it.”
– Charles de Saint-Evremond

“In this country men seem to live for action as long as they can and sink into apathy when they retire.”
– Charles Francis Adams

“Sanders was a friend of chickens.”
– Charles T. Manatt

“Viva la retirement, grab it by the horns and go for it.”
– Cheryl Marland at the Retirement Blog But What Now

“When a man retires, his wife gets twice the husband but only half the income.”
– Chi Chi Rodriguez

“Choose a work that you love and you won’t have to work another day.”
– Confucius

“According to your latest data if you retire today, you can live reasonably well until 5 p.m. tomorrow.”
– Dave Erhard

“If you are going to go broke before retirement, retire first.”
– Dave Erhard

“Retirement: Something that should be arrived at in haste and should be lived at in leisure.”
– Dave Erhard

“If you drink, don’t drive. Don’t even putt.”
– Dean Martin

“The really frightening thing about middle age is that you know you’ll grow out of it.”
– Doris Day

“If people concentrated on the really important things in life, there’d be a shortage of fishing poles.”
– Doug Larson

“How has retirement affected my golf game? A lot more people beat me now..”
– Dwight David Eisenhower

“If laughter was the best medicine, you can bet there’d be a line of high-priced-prescription jokes [sold by the pharmaceutical industry]. Don’t anyone kid you!”
– Earl in Mr Boffo Cartoon

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