Hilarious Sayings And Quotes For Great Laughter

by allinspiration.com

“Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.”
– Ernest Hemingway

“I feel sorry for people who don’t drink. When they wake up in the morning, that’s as good as they’re going to feel all day.”
– Frank Sinatra

“A dress makes no sense unless it inspires men to want to take it off you.”
– Franoise Sagan

“The Bible tells us to love our neighbours, and also to love our enemies; probably because generally they are the same people.”
– G K Chesterton

“I wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence. There’s a knob called ‘brightness’, but it doesn’t work.”
– Gallagher

“Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry.”
– George Ade

“But a lifetime of happiness! No man alive could bear it: it would be hell on earth.”
– George Bernard Shaw

“By the time you’re eighty years old you’ve learned everything. You only have to remember it.”
– George Burns

“In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.”
– George Carlin

“A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.”
– George Carlin

“If it weren’t for electricity we’d all be watching television by candlelight.”
– George Globol

“Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.”
– Groucho Marx

“A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.”
– Groucho Marx

“Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.”
– Groucho Marx

“Those are my principles, and if you don’t like them… well, I have others.”
– Groucho Marx

“How do you feel about women’s rights? I like either side of them.”
– Groucho Marx

“A judge is a law student who marks his own examination papers.”
– H. L. Mencken

“Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn’t, they’d be married too.”
– H. L. Mencken

“Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid.”
– Hedy Lamarr

“A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.”
– Helen Rowland

“As you were, I was. As I am, you will be.”
– Hell’s angels

“I had a nightmare last night. I dreamed Dolly Parton was my mother and I was a bottle baby.”
– Henny Youngman

“English – Who needs that? I’m never going to England!”
– Homer Simpson

“I did not have three thousand pairs of shoes, I had one thousand and sixty.”
– Imelda Marcos

“Dude, are my eyes seeing what my brain is telling my eyes that they’re seeing?”
– James Roday

“Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?”
– James Thurber

“The prettiest dresses are worn to be taken off.”
– Jean Cocteau

“Avoid fruits and nuts. You are what you eat.”
– Jim Davis

“I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments.”
– Jim Morrison

“I don’t exercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor.”
– Joan Rivers

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