Hilarious Sayings And Quotes For Great Laughter

by allinspiration.com

“My formula for success is rise early, work late, and strike oil.”
– Paul Getty

“I can’t even get three weeks off to have cosmetic surgery.”
– Paul Lynde

“I hate work. That’s why I got married.”
– Peg Bundy

“When a subject becomes totally obsolete we make it a required course.”
– Peter F. Drucker

“We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.”
– Phyllis Diller

“Life was a funny thing that happened to me on the way to the grave.”
– Quentin Crisp

“In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.”
– Rita Rudner

“Women will forgive anything. Otherwise, the race would have died out long ago.”
– Robert A. Heinlein

“The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.”
– Robert Bloch

“A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and ask for it back when it begins to rain.”
– Robert Frost

“The remarkable thing about Shakespeare is that he really is very good, in spite of all the people who say he is very good.”
– Robert Graves

“I know that you believe you understand what you think I said, but I’m not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant.”
– Robert McCloskey

“Death is nature’s way of saying, Your table’s ready.”
– Robin Williams

“When I was born … the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father … I’m very sorry. We did everything we could … but he pulled through.”
– Rodney Dangerfield

“Dublin University contains the cream of Ireland – rich and thick.”
– Samuel Beckett

“Coffee isn’t my cup of tea.”
– Samuel Goldwyn

“I never knew what an engineer did for a living when I was a kid. I still don’t.”
– Scott Adams

“I am the literary equivalent of a Big Mac and Fries.”
– Stephen King

“A drunk mans words are a sober man’s thoughts.”
– Steve Fergosi

“There is one thing I would break up over and that is if she caught me with another woman. I wouldn’t stand for that.”
– Steve Martin

“It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I win or lose.”
– Steven Weinberg

“I bought some batteries, but they weren’t included.”
– Steven Wright

“I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.”
– Steven Wright

“You can’t have everything… where would you put it?”
– Steven Wright

“A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths.”
– Steven Wright

“A conclusion is the place where you get tired of thinking.”
– Steven Wright

“Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.”
– Steven Wright

“On the other hand, you have different fingers.”
– Steven Wright

“Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that’s how dogs spend their lives.”
– Sue Murphy

“The duty of a patriot is to protect his country from its government.”
– Thomas Paine

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