Humor Quotes And Sayings

by allinspiration.com

Here is a collection of humor quotes and sayings from various authors, celebrities, famous persons, and other sources compiled by allinspiration.com for you to read and enjoy.

“Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Kuwait.”
– A. Whitney Brown

“Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.”
– Abraham Lincoln

“If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?”
– Abraham Lincoln

“The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets” 
– Al McGuire

“The hardest thing in the world to understand is income taxes.” 
– Albert Einstein

“Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed.” 
– Albert Einstein

“Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I’m not sure about the former.”
– Albert Einstein

“Two things are infinite, as far as we know – the universe and human stupidity.”
– Albert Einstein

“Maybe this world is another planet’s Hell.”
– Aldous Huxley

“Humor can alter any situation and help us cope at the very instant we are laughing.”
– Allen Klein

“The covers of this book are too far apart.”
– Ambrose Bierce

“A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.”
– Arthur McBride Bloch

“Sometimes not seeing things can be a blessing.”
– August Strindberg

“A good laugh makes any interview, or any conversation, so much better.”
– Barbara Walters

“Why does a woman work ten years to change a man’s habits and then complain that he’s not the man she married?” 
– Barbra Streisand

“The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.”
– Bertrand Russell

“Through humor, you can soften some of the worst blows that life delivers. And once you find laughter, no matter how painful your situation might be, you can survive it.”
– Bill Cosby

“Patience is something you admire in the driver behind you, but not in one ahead.”
– Bill McGlashen

“The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.”
– Bill Watterson

“A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.” 
– Bob Hope

“Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.” 
– Brian Gerald O’Driscoll

“I don’t kill flies but I like to mess with their minds. I hold them above globes. They freak out and yell, ‘Whoa, I’m way too high!”
– Bruce Baum

“Ask her to wait a moment – I am almost done.”
– Carl Friedrich Gauss

“Duct tape is like the force.  It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together.”
– Carl Zwanzig

“Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today.  It is already tomorrow in Australia.”
– Charles Schulz

“You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America’s Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn’t want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named Bush, Dick, and Colon.  Need I say more?”
– Chris Rock

“Humor is perhaps a sense of intellectual perspective: an awareness that some things are really important, others not; and that the two kinds are most oddly jumbled in everyday affairs.”
– Christopher Morley

“Just because you’re not paranoid doesn’t mean they’re not out to get you.”
– Colin Sautar

“You know why the French don’t want to bomb Saddam Hussein?  Because he hates America, he loves mistresses, and he wears a beret.  He is French, people.”
– Conan O’Brien

“Contrary to popular belief, “Damn It” is not God‘s last name.”
– Construction Wall

“I tried to think but nothing happened!”
– Curly

“The blind see what they want to see.”
– Dan Brown

“If we don’t succeed, we run the risk of failure.”
– Dan Quayle

“It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I win or lose.”
– Darrin Weinberg

“Life is anything that dies when you stomp on it.”
– Dave Barry

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