Humor Quotes And Sayings

by allinspiration.com

“If The Phone Doesn’t Ring, It’s Me.”
– Jimmy Buffet

“If all else fails, immortality can always be assured by spectacular error.”
– John Kenneth Galbraith

“Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.” 
– José Maria de Eça de Queiroz

“The trouble with people is not that they don’t know but that they know so much that ain’t so.”
– Josh Billings

“Humor is laughing at what you haven’t got when you ought to have it.”
– Langston Hughes

“Like a welcome summer rain, humor may suddenly cleanse and cool the earth, the air and you.”
– Langston Hughes

“A good laugh overcomes more difficulties and dissipates more dark clouds than any other one thing.”
– Laura Ingalls Wilder

“She’s the kind of girl who climbed the ladder of success wrong by wrong.”
– Mae West

“Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition.”
– Marilyn Monroe

“It used to take me all vacation to grow a new hide in place of the one they flogged off me during school term.”
– Mark Twain

“The trouble ain’t that there is too many fools, but that the lightning ain’t distributed right.”
– Mark Twain

“When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much he had learned in seven years.”
– Mark Twain

“If evolution is fact, why do mothers only have two hands?” 
– Milton Berle

“The only thing that stops God from sending another flood is that the first one was useless.”
– Nicholas Chamfort

“How come there’s only one Monopolies Commission?”
– Nigel Rees

“You can swim all day in the Sea of Knowledge and still come out completely dry.  Most people do.”
– Norman Juster

“Murphy was an optimist.”
– O’Toole’s Commentary

“Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go” 
– Oscar Wilde

“Love your enemies.  It makes them so damned mad.”
– P.D. East

“All generalizations are bad.”
– R.H. Grenier

“A wise saying is something you keep picking up off the floor in front of your fridge.”
– Robert Brault

“All my life I’ve wanted, just once, to say something clever without losing my train of thought.”
– Robert Brault

“As I may or may not say to the Lord on Judgment Day, “You ask a lot of questions for someone who has so much explaining to do.”.”
– Robert Brault

“As to the Seven Deadly Sins, I deplore Pride, Wrath, Lust, Envy and Greed.  Gluttony and Sloth I pretty much plan my day around.”
– Robert Brault

“If you teach your children nothing else, teach them the Golden Rule and “righty-tighty, lefty-loosey.”.” 
– Robert Brault

“There are truths of which I have an inkling, but of most I have only a penciling.”
– Robert Brault

“By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day.” 
– Robert Frost

“The remarkable thing about Shakespeare is that he really is very good, in spite of all the people who say he is very good.”
– Robert Graves

“The only difference between me and a madman is that I’m not mad.”
– Salvador Dali

“If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the up button.” 
– Sam Levenson

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