Humor Quotes And Sayings

by allinspiration.com

“She was what we used to call a suicide blond – dyed by her own hand.”
– Saul Bellow

“A prisoner of war is a man who tries to kill you and fails, and then asks you not to kill him.”
– Sir Winston Churchill

“I went to a restaurant that serves “breakfast at any time“. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.”
– Stephen Wright

“When they asked George Washington for his ID, he just took out a quarter.”
– Stephen Wright

“Before we work on artificial intelligence why don’t we do something about natural stupidity?”
– Steve Polyak

“You can’t have everything… where would you put it?”
– Steven Wright

“I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.” 
– Steven Wright

“Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that’s how dogs spend their lives.”
– Sue Murphy

“A friend is someone who will bail you out of jail. A best friend is the one sitting next to you saying ‘boy was that fun.’” 
– The Maugles

“Some folks are wise and some are otherwise.”
– Tobias Smollett

“How do the angels get to sleep when the devil leaves the porch light on?”
– Tom Waits

“The large print giveth, but the small print taketh away.”
– Tom Waits

“He who believes that the past cannot be changed has not yet written his memoirs.”
– Torvald Gahlin

“A great name for a new country song:  If I’d Shot You Sooner, I’d Be Out of Jail by Now.”
– Unknown

“Ability is what will get you to the top if the boss has no daughter.”
– Unknown

“And on the eighth day God said, “Okay, Murphy, you’re in charge!”.”
– Unknown

“But I like an orgy, once in a while.”
– Unknown

“Dopeler effect:  The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.”
– Unknown

“Home is heaven and orgies are vile.”
– Unknown

“I don’t suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.” 
– Unknown

“I plan on living forever.  So far, so good.”
– Unknown

“I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.”
– Unknown

“If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?”
– Unknown

“If ignorance is bliss, why aren’t there more happy people?”
– Unknown

“Ignoranus:  A person who’s both stupid and an asshole.”
– Unknown

“It’s always darkest before the dawn.  So if you’re going to steal your neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.”
– Unknown

“Just remember, if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.”
– Unknown

“Lead me not into temptation; I can find the way myself.”
– Unknown

“Light travels faster than sound.  That’s why most people seem bright until you hear them speak.”
– Unknown

“Resolve is never stronger than in the morning after the night it was never weaker.”
– Unknown

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