Humorous Quotes And Sayings To Make You Laugh

by allinspiration.com

“The best beer in the world, is the open bottle in your hand! ”
– Danny Jansen

“It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I win or lose.”
– Darrin Weinberg

“Life is anything that dies when you stomp on it.”
– Dave Barry

“I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste. ”
– David Bissonette

“Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today? (1) Writing his memoirs of the Civil War. (2) Advising the President. (3) Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin.”
– David Letterman

“Men are simple things. They can survive a whole weekend with only three things: beer, boxer shorts and batteries for the remote control.. ”
– Diana Jordan.

“As long as people will accept crap, it will be financially profitable to dispense it.”
– Dick Cavett

“If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.”
– Dick Cavett

“It is generally agreed that “Hello” is an appropriate greeting because if you entered a room and said “Goodbye,” it could confuse a lot of people.”
– Dolph Sharp

“One of the many things nobody ever tells you about middle age is that it’s such a nice change from being young. ”
– Dorothy Canfield Fisher

“A married man should forget his mistakes; no use two people remembering the same thing. ”
– Duane Dewel

“I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.”
– Elayne Boosler

“You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 today and we don’t know where the hell she is.”
– Ellen DeGeners.

“Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.”
– Fletcher Knebel

“Like math? We could add a bed, subtract our clothes, divide our legs, and multiply!”
– Frank

“Wherever I go, people are waving at me. Maybe if I do a good job, they’ll use all their fingers.”
– Frank King

“I’m all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let’s start with typewriters.”
– Frank Lloyd Wright

“The true man wants two things: danger and play. For that reason he wants woman, as the most dangerous plaything. ”
– Friedrich Nietzsche 

“I sold my house this week. I got a pretty good price for it, but it made my landlord mad as hell. ”
– Garry Shandling

“When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick. ”
– George Burns

“I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A Death. What’s that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you’re too young, you get a gold watch and you go to work. You work forty years until you’re young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs, alcohol, you party, you get ready for high school. You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities. You become a little baby, you go back into the womb, spend your last nine months floating… and you finish off as an orgasm.”
– George Carlin

“A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle. ”
– Gloria Steinem

“Let me tell you something that we Israelis have against Moses. He took us 40 years through the desert in order to bring us to the one spot in the Middle East that has no oil.”
– Golda Meir

“Don’t be so humble – you are not that great.”
– Golda Meir

“If you want to see a comic strip, you should see me in the shower.”
– Groucho Marx

“Before marriage, a man declares that he would lay down his life to serve you; after marriage, he won’t even lay down his newspaper to talk to you. ”
– Helen Rowland

“There is a vast difference between the savage and the civilized man, but it is never apparent to their wives until after breakfast. ”
– Helen Rowland

“Never trust a husband too far or a bachelor too near. ”
– Helen Rowland

“It takes a woman twenty years to make a man of her son, and another woman twenty minutes to make a fool of him. ”
– Helen Rowland

“When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. ”
– Henny Youngman.

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