Humorous Quotes And Sayings To Make You Laugh

by allinspiration.com

“Age is strictly a case of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter. ”
– Jack Benny

“Time is God‘s way to keep everything from happening at once. ”
– James Brown

“The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.”
– Jay Leno

“The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and kindness, can be trained to do most things. ”
– Jilly Cooper

“Many a man owes his success to his first wife and his second wife to his success. ”
– Jim Backus

“I’ve often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can’t get my wife to go swimming. ”
– Jimmy Carter

“The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.”
– Jon Hammond

“I don’t even butter my bread; I consider that cooking.”
– Katherine Cebrian

“I don’t care what is written about me as long as it isn’t true. ”
– Katherine Hepburn

“Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it’s our job to stomp them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you’d like to have dinner with. ”
– Kathleen Mifsud

“Why do men like intelligent women? Because opposites attract. ”
– Kathy Lette 

“Men are like a deck of cards. You’ll find the occasional king, but most are jacks. ”
– Laura Swenson

“Guys are like dogs. They keep coming back. Ladies are like cats. Yell at a cat one time…they’re gone. ”
– Lenny Bruce

“The first time you buy a house you think how pretty it is and sign the check. The second time you look to see if the basement has termites. It’s the same with men. ”
– Lupe Velez

“A man in love is like a clipped coupon – it’s time to cash in. ”
– Mae West

“A woman has got to love a bad man once or twice in her life to be thankful for a good one. ”
– Mae West

“Sometimes you’re the windshield; sometimes you’re the bug.”
– Mark Knopfler

“Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she had laid an asteroid.”
– Mark Twain

“Behind every successful man there is a surprised woman. ”
– Maryon Pearson

“Friendship is love minus sex and plus reason. Love is friendship plus sex and minus reason.”
– Mason Cooley

“I’m not as think as you drunk I am. ”
– Mega Jones

“You can’t put a price tag on love, but you can on all its accessories. ”
– Melanie Clark

“When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason, there’s a reason. ”
– Molly McGee

“Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?”
– Mork, Mork and Mindy

“Man has will, but woman has her way. ”
– Oliver Wendell Holmes 

“Roses are red, Violets are blue. I’m schizophrenic, and so am I.”
– Oscar Levant

“No woman should ever be quite accurate about her age. It looks so calculating. ”
– Oscar Wilde

“Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience. ”
– Oscar Wilde

“Men marry because they are tired; women because they are curious; both are disappointed. ”
– Oscar Wilde

“What the world really needs is more love and less paperwork. ”
– Pearl Bailey

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