More Funny Life Quotes And Sayings To Tickle You

by allinspiration.com

“My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.”
– Unknown

“We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated.”
– Unknown

“To all you virgins, thanks for nothing.”
– Unknown

“How do you know when you are too drunk to drive? When you swerve to miss a tree then realize it was your air-freshener.”
– Unknown

“Mom and Dad say I should make my life an example of the principles I believe in. But every time I do, they tell me to stop it.”
– Calvin

“I have opinions of my own — strong opinions — but I don’t always agree with them.”
– George W. Bush

“It is better to be thought a fool, than to open one’s mouth and remove all doubt.”
– Mark Twain

“One out of four people is a Chinese. If your father, your mother and your brother are not Chinese, it must be you.”
– Anonymous

“Life is like a hot bath. It feels good while you’re in it, but the longer you stay in, the more wrinkled you get.”
– Anonymous

“Life is like a Ferrari, it goes too fast. But that’s ok, because you can’t afford it anyway.”
– Jim Davis

“If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.”
– George Carlin

“Women are like cell phones. They like to be held and talked to, but push the wrong button, and you’ll be disconnected.”
– Unknown

“Marriage is give and take. You’d better give it to her or she’ll take it anyway.”
– Joey Adams

“In the end, it’s not going to matter how many breaths you took, but how many moments took your breath away”
– Shing Xiong

“Everything has been figured out, except how to live.”
– Jean Paul Sartre

“Someday life will all make perfect sense, so laugh through the confusion smile through the tears, and keep reminding yourself everything happens for a reason.”
– Anonymous

“In the book of life, the answers aren’t in the back”
– Charlie Brown

“A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.”
– Bob Hope

“Researchers have found that men are four times more likely to sleep naked than women are. Perhaps all that body hair keeps them too warm! Or maybe they just never got around to replacing their Batman pyjamas.”
– Anonymous

“You cry, I cry, …you laugh, I laugh…you jump off a cliff I laugh even harder!!”
– Anonymous

“Doesn’t expecting the unexpected make the unexpected expected?”
– Anonymous

“Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they speak.”
– Steven Wright

“Smile…It confuses people..!!”
– Unknown

“Never argue with an idiot they’ll drag you down to their level and beat you through experience”
– Unknown

“Practice makes perfect but then nobody is perfect so what’s the point of practicing?”
– Unknown

“I ran into my ex today…put it in reverse and did it again!!!”
– Unknown

“Lead me not into temptation; I can find the way myself.”
– Rita Mae West

“What? Okay, back up. How in the hell do you ‘turn up missing’? ”
– Kevin Hart

“I generally avoid temptation unless I can’t resist it.”
– Mae West

“A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have. ”
– Thomas Jefferson

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