More Funny Quotations To Bring Laughter

by allinspiration.com

Here is another collation of funny quotations from various authors, celebrities, famous persons, and other sources compiled by allinspiration.com for you to read and enjoy.

“We’ll love you just the way you are if you’re perfect.”
– Alanis Morissette

“When you are courting a nice girl, an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That’s relativity.”
– Albert Einstein

“If the facts don’t fit the theory, change the facts.”
– Albert Einstein

“I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with Guess on it. I said, Thyroid problem?”
– Arnold Shwarzenegger

“I have a love interest in every one of my films: a gun.”
– Arnold Shwarzenegger

“It’s simple, if it jiggles, it’s fat.”
– Arnold Shwarzenegger

“Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.”
– Benjamin Franklin

“I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.”
– Bertrand Russel

“The world is full of magical things patiently waiting for our wits to grow sharper.”
– Bertrand Russel

“A word to the wise ain’t necessary – it’s the stupid ones that need the advice.”
– Bill Cosby

“Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so the when you yell the name will carry.”
– Bill Cosby

“Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap-on-a-rope.”
– Bill Cosby

“Everything that used to be a sing is now a disease.”
– Bill Maher

“Money won’t buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem.”
– Bill Vaughan

“My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.”
– Billy Connolly

“I’ve always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.”
– Billy Connolly

“I love to go to Washington – if only to be near my money.”
– Bob Hope

“A James Cagney love scene is one where he lets the other guy live.”
– Bob Hope

“As a child my family‘s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.”
– Buddy Hackett

“I have never been hurt by what I have not said.”
– Calving Coolidge

“I’m an idealist. I don’t know where I’m going, but I’m on my way.”
– Carl Sandburg

“All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height.”
– Casey Stengel

“Food, love, career, and mothers, the four major guilt groups.”
– Cathy Guisewite

“I have a new philosophy. I’m only going to dread one day at a time.”
– Charles M. Schulz

“There are only three things women need life: food, water, and compliments.”
– Chris Rock

“A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, “At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.”
– Claude Pepper

“It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person’s plate.”
– Dave Barry

“A vegetarian is a person who won’t eat anything that can have children.”
– David Brenner

“I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.”
– David Lee Roth

“I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that’s 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, I says ‘go outside.”
– Demetri Martin

“A pessimist is a person who has to listen to too many optimists.”
– Don Marquis

“Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.”
– Don Marquis

“I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.”
– Douglas Adams

“Be obscure clearly.”
– E. B. White

“I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.”
– Elayne Boosler

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