More Funny Short Sayings To Tickle You

by allinspiration.com

Here is another collation of funny short sayings from various authors, celebrities, famous persons, and other sources compiled by allinspiration.com for you to read and enjoy.

“I have often depended on the blindness of strangers.”
– Adrienne E. Gusoff

“I never think of the future – it comes soon enough.”
– Albert Einstein 

“Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I’m not sure about the universe.”
– Albert Einstein 

“Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed.”
– Albert Einstein 

“Maybe this world is another planet’s hell.  ”
– Aldous Huxley

“Television has proved that people will look at anything rather than each other.”  
– Ann Landers

“Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning.” 
– Anonymous

“Half of the people in the world are below average.” 
– Anonymous

“Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.” 
– Anonymous

“Never drive through a small Southern town at 100mph with the local sheriff’s drunken 16-year-old daughter on your lap.”
– Anonymous

“Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the ‘Y’ becomes silent.”
– Anonymous

“Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.”
– Anonymous

“Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.”
– Anonymous

“Marriage is bliss. Ignorance is bliss. Therefore ….”
– Anonymous

“A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.  ”
– Arthur McBride Bloch

“A word to the wise ain’t necessary – it’s the stupid ones that need the advice.”
– Bill Cosby 

“The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.  ”
– Bill Watterson

“Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle.” 
– Bob Hope 

“A synonym is a word you use when you can’t spell the word you first thought of.”
– Burt Bacharach

“People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they don’t realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world,” 
– Calvin and Hobbes

“Isn’t your pants’ zipper supposed to be in the front?” Hobbes.
– Calvin and Hobbes

“Duct tape is like the force.  It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together.  ”
– Carl Zwanzig

“Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today.  It is already tomorrow in Australia.  ”
– Charles Schulz

“You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America’s Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn’t want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named Bush, Dick, and Colon.  Need I say more?  ”
– Chris Rock

“Just because you’re not paranoid doesn’t mean they’re not out to get you.  ”
– Colin Sautar

“You know why the French don’t want to bomb Saddam Hussein?  Because he hates America, he loves mistresses, and he wears a beret.  He is French, people.  ”
– Conan O’Brien

“Never wear a backward baseball cap to an interview unless applying for the job of umpire.”
– Dan Zevin

“I’m desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.”
– Dave

“I usually lump organized religion, organized labor, and organized crime together. The Mafia gets points for having the best restaurants.  ”
– Dave Beard

“The direct use of force is such a poor solution to any problem, it is generally employed only by small children and large nations.”
– David Friedman

“You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.”
– Dean Martin 

“The city is not a concrete jungle, it is a human zoo.”  
– Desmond Morris

“You’re slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.”
– Dilbert

“The ships hung in the sky in much the same way that bricks don’t.  ”
– Douglas Adams

“My doctor says that I have a malformed public-duty gland and a natural deficiency in moral fiber, and that I am therefore excused from saving Universes.  ”
– Douglas Adams

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