More Funny Short Sayings To Tickle You

by allinspiration.com

“Protect me from knowing what I don’t need to know.  Protect me from even knowing that there are things to know that I don’t know.  Protect me from knowing that I decided not to know about the things that I decided not to know about.  Amen.  ”
– Douglas Adams

“Lord, lord, lord.  Protect me from the consequences of the above prayer.  ”
– Douglas Adams

“There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened.”  
– Douglas Adams

“Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy.”  
– Edgar Bergen

“One has fear in front of a goat, in back of a mule, and on every side of a fool”
– Edgar Watson Howe

“I have six locks on my door all in a row.  When I go out, I lock every other one.  I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.  ”
– Elayne Boosler

“If you cannot answer a man’s argument, all it not lost; you can still call him vile names.  ”
– Elbert Hubbard

“Editor: a person employed by a newspaper, whose business it is to separate the wheat from the chaff, and to see that the chaff is printed.”  
– Elbert Hubbard

“A signature always reveals a man’s character – and sometimes even his name.  ”
– Evan Esar

“There are three faithful friends—an old wife, an old dog, and ready money.”
– Franklin

“A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.  ”
– Fred Allen

“I learned law so well, the day I graduated I sued the college, won the case, and got my tuition back.  ”
– Fred Allen

“Resolve is never stronger than in the morning after the night it was never weaker.  ”
– From the movie Naked

“Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry.  ”
– George Ade

“I do not like broccoli. And I haven’t liked it since I was a little kid and my mother made me eat it. And I’m President of the United States and I’m not going to eat any more broccoli.”
– George Bush

“Never take a job where winter winds can blow up your pants.”
– Geraldo Rivera

“Say what you will about the Ten Commandments, you must always come back to the pleasant fact that there are only ten of them.  ”
– H.L. Mencken

“Man was predestined to have free will.  ”
– Hal Lee Luyah

“He’s turned his life around.  He used to be depressed and miserable.  Now he’s miserable and depressed.  ”
– Harry Kalas

“When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.”  
– Henny Youngman

“Ninety percent of the politicians give the other ten percent a bad reputation.”
– Henry Kissinger

“When dealing with the insane, the best method is to pretend to be sane.”  
– Hermann Hesse

“I’m not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president.”
– Hillary Clinton

“A scout troop consists of twelve little kids dressed like schmucks following a big schmuck dressed like a kid.  ”
– Jack Benny

“In weight lifting, I don’t think sudden, uncontrolled urination should automatically disqualify you.”
– Jack Handey

“Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.  That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.  ”
– Jack Handey

“I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.”  
– Jackie Mason

“All my life, I always wanted to be somebody.  Now I see that I should have been more specific.  ”
– Jane Wagner

“The ability to delude yourself may be an important survival tool.”  
– Jane Wagner

“Eagles may soar in the clouds, but weasels never get sucked into jet engines.  ”
– Jason Hutchison

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