More Humorous Quotes And Sayings To Tickle You

by allinspiration.com

Here is another collation of humorous quotes and sayings from various authors, celebrities, famous persons, and other sources compiled by allinspiration.com for you to read and enjoy.

“Animals are my friends…and I don’t eat my friends.”
– George Bernard Shaw

“Would it save you a lot of time if I just gave up and went mad now?”
– Douglas Adams

“Deadlines just aren’t real to me until I’m staring one in the face.”
– Rick Riordan

“Time is a drug. Too much of it kills you.”
– Terry Pratchett

“Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.”
– Dorothy Parker

“I have nothing to declare except my genius.”
– Oscar Wilde

“I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.”
– Groucho Marx

“I’m killing time while I wait for life to shower me with meaning and happiness.”
– Bill Watterson

“A diary with no drawings of me in it? Where are the torrid fantasies? The romance covers?”
– Cassandra Clare

“See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.”
– Robin P. Williams

“The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made.”
– Groucho Marx

“Good sex is like good bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.”
– Mae West

“A literary academic can no more pass a bookstore than an alcoholic can pass a bar.”
– Carolyn G. Hellibrun

“The capacity for friendship is God’s way of apologizing for our families.”
– Jay McInerney

“No good deed goes unpunished.”
– Oscar Wilde

“Learn from the mistakes of others. You can never live long enough to make them all yourself.”
– Groucho Marx

“If you love something set it free, but don’t be surprised if it comes back with herpes.”
– Chuck Palahniuk

“Oh, we’re playing nice now? Shall we have tea first? Brew up a nice pot of kiss-my-ass?”
– Julie Kagawa

“Time is an illusion. Lunchtime doubly so.”
– Douglas Adams

“If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.”
– Dorothy Parker

“Hey, Rosalie? Do you know how to drown a blonde? Stick a mirror to the bottom of a pool.”
– Stephanie Meyer

“In the beginning there was nothing, which exploded.”
– Terry Pratchett

“The trouble with being in the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat.”
– Lily Tomlin

“The older I grow, the more I distrust the familiar doctrine that age brings wisdom.”
– H.L. Mencken

“The last thing I ever wanted was to be alive when the three most powerful people on the whole planet would be named Bush, Dick and Colon.”
– Kurt Vonnegut

“Just because you’re beautiful and perfect, it’s made you conceited.”
– William Goldman

“Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a purpose.”
– Garrison Keillor

“The covers of this book are too far apart.”
– Ambrose Pierce

“That’s why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.”
– George Carlin

“Love can change a person the way a parent can change a baby- awkwardly, and often with a great deal of mess.”
– Lemony Snicket

“I really can’t think about kissing when I’ve got a rebellion to incite. ”
– Suzanne Collins

“Confidence is ignorance. If you’re feeling cocky, it’s because there’s something you don’t know.”
– Eoin Colfer

“Meow” means “woof” in cat.”
– George Carlin

“Confidence is ignorance. If you’re feeling cocky, it’s because there’s something you don’t know.”
– Rick Riordan

“Technically, I am unarmed. But no one should ever underestimate the harm that fingernails can do. Especially if the target is unprepared.”
– Suzanne Collins

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