More Humorous Quotes And Sayings To Tickle You

by allinspiration.com

“Laughter and tears are both responses to frustration and exhaustion. I myself prefer to laugh, since there is less cleaning do to do afterward.”
– Kurt Vonnegut

“DON’T THINK OF IT AS DYING, said Death. JUST THINK OF IT AS LEAVING EARLY TO AVOID THE RUSH.”
– Terry Pratchett

“I think the key indicator for wealth is not good grades, work ethic, or IQ. I believe it’s relationships. Ask yourself two questions: How many people do I know, and how much ransom money could I get for each one?”
– Jarod Kintz

“She’s the sort of woman who lives for others – you can tell the others by their hunted expression.”
– C.S. Lewis

“One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas I’ll never know.”
– Groucho Marx

“I feel like, like pudding,” Iggy groaned. “Pudding with nerve endings. Pudding in great pain.”
– James Patterson

“Laughter is the sound of the soul dancing. My soul probably looks like Fred Astaire.”
– Jarod Kintz

“No. Now, shut up and eat your pears.”
– Suzanne Collins

“Well, art is art, isn’t it? Still, on the other hand, water is water! And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now, uh… now you tell me what you know.”
– Groucho Marx

“People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.”
– A. A. Milne

“Maybe our girlfriends are our soulmates and guys are just people to have fun with.”
– Candace Bushnell

“I had a boyfriend who told me I’d never succeed, never be nominated for a Grammy, never have a hit song, and that he hoped I’d fail. I said to him, ‘Someday, when we’re not together, you won’t be able to order a cup of coffee at the fucking deli without hearing or seeing me.”
– Lady Gaga

“Ask me if I sparkle and I’ll kill you where you stand.”
– Jeaniene Frost

“Going round and around inside a dryer can be fatal, whereas pasta is rarely fatal. Unless Isabelle makes it.”
– Cassandra Clare

“That wasn’t any act of God. That was an act of pure human fuckery.”
– Stephen King

“You can’t put a price tag on love. But if you could, I’d wait for it to go on sale.”
– Jarod Kintz

“I want to write my own eulogy, and I want to write it in Latin. It seems only fitting to read a dead language at my funeral.”
– Jarod Kintz

“Every now and then I like to do as I’m told, just to confuse people.”
– Tamora Pierce

“I want to meet a guy named Art. I’d take him to a museum, hang him on the wall, criticize him, and leave.”
– Jarod Kintz

“Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair.”
– George Burns

“Love is like a brick. You can build a house, or you can sink a dead body.”
– Lady Gaga

“Also, I’m sleeping with your mom. Just thought you should know.”
– Cassandra Clare

“You know that old saying. Once you go dead, no one’s better in bed.”
– Jeaniene Frost

“In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra. ”
– Fran Lebowitz

“A passport, as I’m sure you know, is a document that one shows to government officials whenever one reaches a border between two countries, so that the official can learn who you are, where you were born, and how you look when photographed unflatteringly”.
– Lemony Snicket

“I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.”
– Steven Wright

“Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason”
– Jerry Seinfeld

“You know what the fellow said – in Italy, for thirty years under the Borgias, they had warfare, terror, murder and bloodshed, but they produced Michelangelo, Leonardo da Vinci and the Renaissance. In Switzerland, they had brotherly love, they had five hundred years of democracy and peace – and what did that produce? The cuckoo clock.”
– Orson Welles

“Who was the guy who first looked at a cow and said ‘I think I’ll drink whatever comes out of these when I squeeze ’em?”
– Bill Watterson

“I want to gather up all the ink cartridges in the universe, because somewhere, mixed in with all that ink, is the next great American novel. And I’d love nothing more than to drink it.”
– Jarod Kintz

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