More Humorous Quotes And Sayings To Tickle You

by allinspiration.com

“Anyone can speak Troll. All you have to do is point and grunt”.
– J.K. Rowling

“Heterosexuality is not normal, it’s just common.”
– Dorothy Parker

“In my opinion, we don’t devote nearly enough scientific research to finding a cure for jerks.”
– Bill Watterson

“Everything in this room is edible. Even I’m edible. But, that would be called cannibalism. It is looked down upon in most societies.”
– Tim Burton

“I used to date the lead singer of The Cranberries, but she cheated on me. Turns out she had some turkey on the side.”
– Jarod Kintz

“Life is worth living as long as there’s a laugh in it.”
– L.M. Montgomery

“She didn’t say it, I only thought she said it. So really it was my thought, my words, and not hers. How could I confuse “I love you” with “May I take your order?”
– Jarod Kintz

“When anybody honks at me in traffic, I blush, wave, and shout, “Thanks for being a fan.” Being a celebrity is a 24/7 thing.”
– Jarod Kintz

“The only drink I like ice in is water, because you can’t water down water. I’m like that with love, too. Don’t you dare add any ice to the hot liquid loving I’m trying to pour all over you.”
– Jarod Kintz

“I don’t do drugs anymore ’cause I find I get the same effect just by standing up really fast.”
– Johnathan Katz

“Sometimes I think war is God‘s way of teaching us geography”
– Paul Rodrigues

“If you’re cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you see okay?”
– John Mendoza

“USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.”
– David Letterman

“Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you’ve got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn’t your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.”
– Jerry Seinfeld

“The ad in the paper said ‘Big Sale. Last Week.’ Why advertise? I already missed it. They’re just rubbing it in.”
– Yakov Smirnoff

“I was raised by just my mom. See, my father died when I was eight years old. At least, that’s what he told us in the letter..”
– Drew Carey

“My grandfather’s a little forgetful, but he likes to give me advice. One day, he took me aside and left me there.”
– Ron Richards

“My mom said she learned how to swim. Someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. That’s how she learned how to swim. I said, ‘Mom, they weren’t trying to teach you how to swim.”
– Paula Poundstone

“Thou shall not kill. Thou shall not commit adultery. Don’t eat pork. I’m sorry, what was that last one?? Don’t eat pork. God has spoken. Is that the word of God or is that pigs trying to outsmart everybody?”
– Jon Stewart

“Why do people say “grow some balls”? Balls are weak and sensitive. If you wanna be tough, grow a vagina. Those things can take a pounding.”
– Betty White

“You’re so full of crap, you could pass for a toilet.”
– Kami Garcia

“French name, English accent, American school. Anna confused.”
– Stephanie Perkins

“I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.”
– W.C. Fields

“In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.”
– Benjamim Franklin

“I’m sorry. I use my rapier wit to hide my inner pain.”
– Cassandra Clare

“If our destiny stems from our name, then I weep for the flower named Wilt.”
– Jarod Kintz

“I wanted to tell her “I love you” back, but I guess in waiting for the perfect moment (the next commercial break), I ended up completely forgetting.”
– Jarod Kintz

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