Random Quotes And Sayings On Various Topics

by allinspiration.com

“You make the beds, you do the dishes, and six months later you have to start all over again.”
– Joan Rivers

“I went on a diet, swore off drinking and heavy eating, and in fourteen days I had lost exactly two weeks.”
– Joe E. Lewis

“Whatever you do, or dream you can do, begin it. Boldness has genius, power and magic in it.”
– Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe

“The trouble with life in the fast lane is that you get to the other end in an awful hurry.”
– John Jensen

“We live on an island surrounded by a sea of ignorance. As our island of knowledge grows, so does the shore of our ignorance.”
– John Wheeler

“If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead”
– Johnny Carson

“On your best day, you’re not as smart as I am on my worst day.”
– Judge Judy

“Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties.”
– Jules Renard

“There are bugs and then there are bugs. And then there are bugs.”
– Karl Lehenbauer

“Zero defects: The result of shutting down a production line.”
– Kelvin Throop III

“Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and just give her a house.”
– Lewis Grizzard

“It is up to us to produce better-quality movies.”
– Lloyd Kaufman

“Sunlight is the best disinfectant.”
– Louis Brandeis

“The reason people find it so hard to be happy is: that they always see the past better than it was; the present worse than it is; and the future finer than it will be.”
– Marcel Pagnol

“What do people mean when they say the computer went down on them?”
– Marilyn Pittman

“The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.”
– Mark Russell

“A Consultant is a guy who knows 125 different ways to make love, but who doesn’t know any women.”
– Mark Russell

“Denial ain’t just a river in Egypt.”
– Mark Twain

“Never let your schooling interfere with your education.”
– Mark Twain

“I would imagine that if you could understand morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.”
– Mitch Hedberg

“Burritos are sleeping bags for ground beef.”
– Mitch Hedberg

“I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I’m gonna put pins into all the locations that I’ve travelled to. But first, I’m gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so that it will not fall off the wall.”
– Mitch Hedberg

“The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I’ll never be as good as a wall.”
– Mitch Hedberg

“On a traffic light green means go, yellow means yield and red means stop but on a banana it’s just the opposite. Green means hold on, yellow means go ahead, and red means where the fuck did you get that banana at …”
– Mitch Hedberg

“Life is a disease, sexually transmitted and fatal.”
– Neil Gaiman

“Do not ask God the way to heaven; he will show you the hardest one.”
– Nikita Kobrin

“Fruitcake is like semen, there’s a lot of it about but no one wants to swallow it”
– Oscar Wilde

“Computers are useless. All they can do is give you answers.”
– Pablo Picasso

“Sometimes I think war is God’s way of teaching us geography.”
– Paul Rodriguez

“Never mistake a clear view for a short distance”
– Paul Saffo

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