More Short Funny Quotes And Sayings For Fast Laughter

by allinspiration.com

Here is another collation of short funny quotes and sayings from various authors, celebrities, famous persons, and other sources compiled by allinspiration.com for you to read and enjoy.

“A hard man is good to find.”
– Mae West

“A man in the house is worth two in the street”
– Mae West

“All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.”
– Mae West

“An ounce of performance is worth pounds of promises”
– Mae West

“Don’t keep a man guessing too long – he’s sure to find the answer somewhere else.”
– Mae West

“Give a man a free hand and he’ll run it all over you.”
– Mae West

“I believe that it’s better to be looked over than it is to be overlooked.”
– Mae West

“I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.”
– Mae West

“I’ve been in more laps than a napkin.”
– Mae West

“Look your best – who said love is blind?”
– Mae West

“Sex is emotion in motion.”
– Mae West

“A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.”
– Phyllis Diller

“Aim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off.”
– Phyllis Diller

“Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.”
– Phyllis Diller

“Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.”
– Phyllis Diller

“Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.”
– Phyllis Diller

“Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?”
– Phyllis Diller

“I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’”
– Phyllis Diller

“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.”
– Phyllis Diller

“It’s a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I’d be rotten to the core.”
– Phyllis Diller

“My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.”
– Phyllis Diller

“Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.”
– Phyllis Diller

“The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.”
– Phyllis Diller

“You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.”
– Phyllis Diller

“Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.”
– Woody Allen

“His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.”
– Woody Allen

“I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.”
– Woody Allen

“I am two with nature.”
– Woody Allen

“I don’t believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.”
– Woody Allen

“I don’t think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib.”
– Woody Allen

“I failed to make the chess team because of my height.”
– Woody Allen

“I ran into Isosceles. He had a great idea for a new triangle!”
– Woody Allen

“I think being funny is not anyone’s first choice.”
– Woody Allen

“I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.”
– Woody Allen

“I want to tell you a terrific story about oral contraception. I asked this girl to sleep with me and she said ‘No.’”
– Woody Allen

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