More Short Funny Quotes And Sayings For Fast Laughter

by allinspiration.com

“I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox.”
– Woody Allen

“I’m astounded by people who want to ‘know’ the universe when it’s hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.”
– Woody Allen

“I’ve never been an intellectual but I have this look.”
– Woody Allen

“If my films don’t show a profit, I know I’m doing something right”
– Woody Allen

“Marriage is the death of hope.”
– Woody Allen

“When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.”
– Woody Allen

“Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap-on-a-rope.”
– Bill Cosby

“A new father quickly learns that his child invariably comes to the bathroom at precisely the times when he’s in there, as if he needed company. The only way for this father to be certain of bathroom privacy is to shave at the gas station.”
– Bill Cosby

“A word to the wise ain’t necessary – it’s the stupid ones that need the advice.”
– Bill Cosby

“Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.”
– Bill Cosby

“Any man today who returns from work, sinks into a chair, and calls for his pipe is a man with an appetite for danger.”
– Bill Cosby

“As I have discovered by examining my past, I started out as a child. Coincidentally, so did my brother. My mother did not put all her eggs in one basket, so to speak: she gave me a younger brother named Russell, who taught me what was meant by “survival of the fittest.”
– Bill Cosby

“Civilization had too many rules for me, so I did my best to rewrite them.”
– Bill Cosby

“Every closed eye is not sleeping, and every open eye is not seeing.”
– Bill Cosby

“Gray hair is God‘s graffiti.”
– Bill Cosby

“I wasn’t always black… there was this freckle, and it got bigger and bigger.”
– Bill Cosby

“Immortality is a long shot, I admit. But somebody has to be first.”
– Bill Cosby

“It isn’t a matter of black is beautiful as much as it is white is not all that’s beautiful.”
– Bill Cosby

“Let us now set forth one of the fundamental truths about marriage: the wife is in charge.”
– Bill Cosby

“Parents are not interested in justice, they’re interested in peace and quiet.”
– Bill Cosby

“That married couples can live together day after day is a miracle that the Vatican has overlooked.”
– Bill Cosby

“Sex education may be a good idea in the schools, but I don’t believe the kids should be given homework.”
– Bill Cosby

“Women don’t want to hear what you think. Women want to hear what they think – in a deeper voice.”
– Bill Cosby

“A hat should be taken off when you greet a lady and left off for the rest of your life. Nothing looks more stupid than a hat.”
– P. J. O’Rourke

“A very quiet and tasteful way to be famous is to have a famous relative. Then you can not only be nothing, you can do nothing too”
– P. J. O’Rourke

“Family love is messy, clinging, and of an annoying and repetitive pattern, like bad wallpaper.”
– P. J. O’Rourke

“Always read something that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.”
– P. J. O’Rourke

“America wasn’t founded so that we could all be better. America was founded so we could all be anything we damned well pleased.”
– P. J. O’Rourke

“Earnestness is stupidity sent to college.”
– P. J. O’Rourke

“Anyway, no drug, not even alcohol, causes the fundamental ills of society. If we’re looking for the source of our troubles, we shouldn’t test people for drugs, we should test them for stupidity, ignorance, greed and love of power.”
– P. J. O’Rourke

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