More Short Funny Quotes And Sayings For Fast Laughter

by allinspiration.com

“Never fight an inanimate object.”
– P. J. O’Rourke

“Never wear anything that panics the cat.”
– P. J. O’Rourke

“A man will go to war, fight and die for his country. But he won’t get a bikini wax.”
– Rita Rudner

“Before I met my husband, I’d never fallen in love. I’d stepped in it a few times.”
– Rita Rudner

“I don’t plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet.”
– Rita Rudner

“I got kicked out of ballet class because I pulled a groin muscle. It wasn’t mine.”
– Rita Rudner

“I know I want to have children while my parents are still young enough to take care of them.”
– Rita Rudner

“I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”
– Rita Rudner

“I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight.”
– Rita Rudner

“In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.”
– Rita Rudner

“My mother buried three husbands – and two of them were only napping.”
– Rita Rudner

“Most turkeys taste better the day after, my mother’s tasted better the day before.”
– Rita Rudner

“Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That’s how rich I want to be.”
– Rita Rudner

“When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.”
– Rita Rudner

“A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running”
– Groucho Marx

“A man’s only as old as the woman he feels.”
– Groucho Marx

“A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke”
– Groucho Marx

“All people are born alike – except Republicans and Democrats.”
– Groucho Marx

“Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.”
– Groucho Marx

“Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.”
– Groucho Marx

“Humor is reason gone mad.”
– Groucho Marx

“I didn’t like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions – the curtain was up.”
– Groucho Marx

“I intend to live forever, or die trying.”
– Groucho Marx

“My mother loved children – she would have given anything if I had been one.”
– Groucho Marx

“I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.”
– Groucho Marx

“I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.”
– Groucho Marx

“I’ve got the brain of a four year old. I’ll bet he was glad to be rid of it. ”
– Groucho Marx

“She got her looks from her father. He’s a plastic surgeon. ”
– Groucho Marx

“Why, I’d horse-whip you if I had a horse.”
– Groucho Marx

“Wives are people who feel they don’t dance enough.”
– Groucho Marx

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