More Short Funny Quotes And Sayings For Fast Laughter

by allinspiration.com

“Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Kuwait.”
– Whitney Brown

“I went to a restaurant that serves “breakfast at any time“. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.”
– Stephen Wright

“When they asked George Washington for his ID, he just took out a quarter.”
– Stephen Wright

“Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that’s how dogs spend their lives.”
– Sue Murphy

“I don’t kill flies but I like to mess with their minds. I hold them above globes. They freak out and yell, ‘Whoa, I’m way too high!’”
– Bruce Baum

“You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 today and we don’t know where the hell she is.”
– Ellen Degeners

“The only difference between me and a madman is that I’m not mad.”
– Salvador Dali

“Maybe this world is another planet’s Hell.”
– Aldous Huxley

“I’m all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let’s start with typewriters.”
– Frank Lloyd Wright

“The greatest pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do.”
– Walter Bagehot

“Always go to other people’s funerals, otherwise they won’t come to yours.”
– Yogi Berra

“He who sleeps on the floor will not fall off the bed.”
– Robert Gronock

“Like math? We could add a bed, subtract our clothes, divide our legs, and multiply!”
– Unknown

“I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.”
– Elayne Boosler

“Wherever I go, people are waving at me. Maybe if I do a good job, they’ll use all their fingers.”
– Frank King

“Sometimes you’re the windshield; sometimes you’re the bug.”
– Mark Knopfler

“America is the country where you can buy a lifetime supply of aspirin for a dollar and use it up in two weeks.”
– Barrymore

“Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?”
– Robin Williams

“As long as people will accept crap, it will be financially profitable to dispense it.”
– Dick Cavett

“The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep.”
– W.C. Fields

“It is generally agreed that “Hello” is an appropriate greeting because if you entered a room and said “Goodbye,” it could confuse a lot of people.”
– Dolph Sharp

“My young son asked me what happens after we die. I told him we get buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I guess I should have told him the truth — that most of us go to Hell and burn eternally — but I didn’t want to upset him.”
– Jack Handy

“How many people have telekinetic powers? Raise my hand.”
– Emo Phillips

“People say New Yorkers can’t get along. Not true. I saw two New Yorkers, complete strangers, sharing a cab. One guy took the tires and the radio; the other guy took the engine.”
– David Letterman

“All the candy corn that was ever made was made in 1911″
– Lewis Black

“If God had wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates.”
– Jay Leno

“When I go to a restaurant I always ask the manager, ‘Give me a table near a waiter. “Please, if you ever see me getting beaten up by the police, please put your video camera down and help me.”
– Bobcat Goldthwait

“In the beginning there was nothing. God said, Let there be light!” And there was light. There was still nothing, but you could see it a whole lot better. “When I go to a restaurant I always ask the manager, ‘Give me a table near a waiter. “Please, if you ever see me getting beaten up by the police, please put your video camera down and help me. I come from family where gravy is considered a beverage”
– Unknown

“I’m not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.”
– Whitney Brown

“Having a male gynecologist is like going to an auto mechanic who doesn’t own a car.”
– Carrie Snow

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