More Short Funny Quotes And Sayings For Fast Laughter

by allinspiration.com

“Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.”
– George Carlin

“There we were in the middle of a sexual revolution wearing clothes that guaranteed we wouldn’t get laid”
– Dennis Leary

“If God did not intend for us to eat animals, then why did he make them out of meat?”
– John Cleese

“To lose one parent may be regarded as a misfortune; to lose both looks like carelessness”
– Oscar Wilde

“Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school I was so smart my teacher was in my class for five years”
– Gracie Allen

“You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is ‘never try’”
– Homer Simpson

“I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance – waiting to get into the bathroom.”
– Bob Hope

“I’m an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house.”
– Zsa Zsa Gabor

“I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather… Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car”
– Will Shriner

“The only way to comprehend what mathematicians mean by Infinity is to contemplate the extent of human stupidity”
– Voltaire

“Actually, I — this may sound a little West Texan to you, but I like it. When I’m talking about — when I’m talking about myself, and when he’s talking about myself, all of us are talking about me.”
– George W. Bush

“Every time a baseball player grabs his crotch, it makes him spit. That’s why you should never date a baseball player.”
– Marsha Warfield

“What do people mean when they say the computer went down on me?”
– Marilyn Pittman

“When you look at Prince Charles, don’t you think that someone in the Royal family knew someone in the Royal family?”
– Robin Williams

“A woman broke up with me and sent me pictures of her and her new boyfriend in bed together. Solution? I sent them to her dad”
– Christopher Case

“I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. The always say because it’s such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her”
– Unknown

“If your parents never had children, chances are you won’t either.”
– Dick Cavett

“I have such poor vision I can date anybody.”
– Garry Shanding

“I’m a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I’ll forget.”
– Stephen Wright

“Thou shall not kill. Thou shall not commit adultery. Don’t eat pork. I’m sorry, what was that last one?? Don’t eat pork. God has spoken. Is that the word of God or is that pigs trying to outsmart everybody?”
– Unknown

“I haven’t taken my Christmas lights down. They look so nice on the pumpkin.”
– Winston Spear

“In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?”
– Unknown

“Today I met with a subliminal advertising executive for just a second.”
– Stephen Wright

“Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease.”
– Bill Maher

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