Short Funny Sayings For Quick Laughs

by allinspiration.com

“Behind every great fortune there is a crime.”
– Honoré de Balzac

“When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws. Only catapults.”
– Isaac Asimov

“Women are meant to be loved, not to be understood.”
– Isaac Asimov

“A suburban mother’s role is to deliver children obstetrically once, and by car for ever after.”
– Jane Wagner

“Keep talking, someday you’ll say something intelligent.”
– Jane Wagner

“The capacity for friendship is God’s way of apologizing for our families.”
– Jay McInerney

“Love is all fun and games until someone loses an eye or gets pregnant.”
– Jim Cole

“Do not worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older it will avoid you.”
– Joey Adams

“A thesaurus is a dictionary on drugs.”
– John Alejandro King

“Once you’re caught in the mousetrap, why not eat the cheese?”
– John Alejandro King

“Before I got married I had six theories about bringing up children; now I have six children and no theories”
– John Wilmot

“I couldn’t wait for success, so I went ahead without it.”
– Jonathan Winters

“Experience is the comb life gives you after you lose your hair.”
– Judith Stearn

“Man who stands on toilet, gets high on pot!”
– Katherine Hepburn

“You know when you put a stick in water and it looks bent? That’s why I never take baths.”
– Katherine Hepburn

“All happy families are alike; each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way”
– Leo Tolstoy

“A man falls in love through his eyes, a woman through her ears”
– Les Dawson

“I was once thrown out of a mental hospital for depressing the other patients.”
– Les Dawson

“My love life is terrible. The last time I was inside a woman was when I visited the Statue of Liberty.”
– Les Dawson

“I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific”
– Lily Tomlin

“If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question?”
– Lily Tomlin

“Love is like pi: natural, irrational, and very important.”
– Lisa Hoffman

“History is only a confused heap of facts.”
– Lord Chesterfield

“The only solid and lasting peace between a man and his wife is, doubtless, a separation.”
– Lord Chesterfield

“A woman has got to love a bad man once or twice in her life to be thankful for a good one.”
– Mae West

“I like my coffee like I like my women. In a plastic cup.”
– Margaret Mead

“The Bible tells us to love our neighbours, and also to love our enemies; probably because generally they are the same people.”
– Margaret Mead

“When a man opens the car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.”
– Margaret Mead

“It’s not true that I had nothing on. I had the radio on.”
– Marilyn Monroe

“A man with a hump-backed uncle mustn’t make fun of another man’s cross-eyed aunt”
– Mark Twain

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