Some Funny Valentine’s Day Jokes

by allinspiration.com

“I used to have a real bad bedwetting problem … but the last couple of weeks I’ve gotten it under control. I know we just met and this might seem a little sudden … but could I borrow five hundred dollars? Go ahead and Super Size – I found spare change in the sofa today. Something tells me that you’re very special … but with medication I can usually ignore it. I don’t see my ex-girlfriend that much … thanks to the U.S. Department of Justice.” Do you want to play doctor? That’ll be five hundred dollars. Wait till my wife hears about this! I had a good time tonight. I’d love to see you again in six to eight months with good behavior. ”

“If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular? ”

“If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question? ”

“If someone loves you they should show you everyday! To all the single people on Valentine’s Day, don’t be sad. Think of all the Money and time you are saving on not getting a gift Valentines day…..”

“If you live to be a hundred, I want to live to be a hundred minus one day, so I never have to live without you. ”

“If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep. ”

“I’m gonna spend Valentines day with my ex…… box 360 ”

“Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and give her a house.”

“It was Valentine’s day and Jim and Danielle’s first date. They sat in the darkened cinema waiting for the film to start. The screen finally lit up with a flashy advertisement for the cinema’s concession stand. Jim and Danielle realised that there was no sound. The film began but the silence continued. Suddenly, out of the darkness, an irritated voice in the crowd loudly shouted’, Okay, who’s got the remote control?’ ”

“It was Valentine’s day and John and Danielle’s first date. They sat in the darkened cinema waiting for the film to start. The screen finally lit up with a flashy advertisement for the cinema’s concession stand. John and Danielle realised that there was no sound. The film began but the silence continued. Suddenly, out of the darkness, an irritated voice in the crowd loudly shouted’, Okay, who’s got the remote control?’”

“It’s better to have loved and lost than to do forty pounds of laundry a week.”

“I’ve been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she’ll kill me. ”

“Jim asked his friend, Tony, whether he had bought his wife anything for Valentine’s Day. ‘Yes,’ came the answer from Tony who was a bit of a chauvinist, ‘I’ve bought her a belt and a bag.’ ‘That was very kind of you,’ Jim added, ‘I hope she appreciated the thought.’ Tony smiled as he replied, ‘So do I, and hopefully the vacuum cleaner will work better. ”

“Jonny asked his friend, Tony, whether he had bought his wife anything for Valentine’s Day. ‘Yes,’ came the answer from Tony who was a bit of a chauvinist, ‘I’ve bought her a belt and a bag.’ ‘That was very kind of you,’ Jonny added, ‘I hope she appreciated the thought.’ Tony smiled as he replied, ‘So do I, and hopefully the vacuum cleaner will work better now.’”

“Knock knock! Who’s there? Frank. Frank who? Frank you for being my friend! ”

“Knock, knock! Who’s there? Howard. Howard who? Howard you like a great big kiss? ”

“Knock, Knock! Who’s there? Olive. Olive who? Olive you! ”

“Knock, knock. Who’s there? Pooch. Pooch who? Pooch your arms around me, baby! ”

“Little David comes home from first grade and tells his father that they learned about the history of Valentine’s Day. “Since Valentine’s Day is for a Christian saint and we’re Jewish,” he asks, “will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?” David’s father thinks a bit, then says “No, I don’t think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?” “Osama Bin Laden,” David says. “Why Osama Bin Laden,” his father asks in shock. “Well,” David says, “I thought that if a little American Jewish boy could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think that maybe we’re not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he’d love everyone a lot. And then he’d start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn’t hate anyone anymore.” ”

“Love is an exploding cigar we willingly smoke. ”

“Love is an ocean of emotions entirely surrounded by expenses. ”

“My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married and I didn’t want him to.”

“My high-school English teacher was well known for being a fair, but hard, grader. One day I received a B minus on a theme paper. In hopes of bettering my grade and in the spirit of the valentine season, I sent her an extravagant heart-shaped box of chocolates with the pre-printed inscription: “BE MINE.” The following day, I received in return a valentine from the teacher. It read: “Thank you, but it’s still BE MINE-US.”"

“One makes mistakes; that is life. But it is never a mistake to have loved. ”

“Phil, a smart and handsome young man, dressed in the latest fashion, walked into this local pub. He noticed a woman gazing at him without blinking her big eyes. Phil felt flattered so he walked up to the woman and said in his deepest voice, ‘I’ll do anything you wish, beautiful lady, for just $100 but on one condition.’ The woman appeared to be trapped in the moment and asked as if in a trance, ‘What’s your condition?’ Phil answered, ‘Tell me your wish in just three words.’ There was a long pause, the woman opened her purse, counted out the money and handed it to the man along with her address. She then looked deeply into his eyes and whispered, ‘Clean my house.’ ”

“Q. What did one volcano say to the other? A. I lava you.”

“Q. What did the boy bird say to the girl bird on Valentine’s Day? A. Let me call you Tweet heart!”

“Q. What did the boy cat say to the girl cat on Valentine’s Day? A. You’re purrr-fect for me!”

“Q: Did you hear about the nearsighted porcupine? A: He fell in love with a pin cushion!”

“Q: Do skunks celebrate Valentine’s Day? A: Sure, they’re very scent-imental!”

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