Witty Quotes And Sayings

by allinspiration.com

Here is a collection of witty quotes and sayings from various authors, celebrities, famous persons, and other sources compiled by allinspiration.com for you to read and enjoy. Have a good laugh!

“History teaches us that men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all other alternatives.”
– Abba Eban

“An archaeologist is best husband a woman can have: the older she gets, the more interested he is in her. ”
– Agatha Christie

“Once you can accept the universe as matter expanding into nothing that is something, wearing stripes with plaid comes easy.”
– Albert Einstein

“Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. That’s relativity.”
– Albert Einstein

“Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I’m not sure about the universe.”
– Albert Einstein

“Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed. ”
– Albert Einstein

“Love is temporary insanity curable by marriage. ”
– Ambrose Bierce

“If you think education is expensive, try Ignorance.”
– Andy McIntyre

“If you want your children to listen, try talking softly – to someone else.”
– Ann Landers

“Perfection is achieved, not when there is nothing left to add, but when there is nothing left to take away.”
– Antoine de Saint-Exupéry

“Sometimes I need what only you can provide: your absence.”
– Ashleigh Briliant

“One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one’s work is terribly important.”
– Bertrand Russell

“The heart of marriage is memories; and if the two of you happen to have the same ones and can savor your reruns, then your marriage is a gift from the gods. ”
– Bill Cosby

“We are all either fools or undiscovered geniuses.”
– Bonnie Lin

“Writers don’t get mad they get even in their novels.”
– Candace C. Bowen

“A problem well stated is a problem half solved.”
– Charles Franklin Kettering

“I think I’ve discovered the secret of life -you just hang around until you get used to it .”
– Charles M Schulz

“Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, “Where have I gone wrong?” Then a voice says to me, “This is going to take more than one night.”"
– Charles M Schulz

“If you ever become a mother, can I have one of the puppies?”
– Charles Pierce

“There is one thing even more vital to science than intelligent methods; and that is, the sincere desire to find out the truth, whatever it may be.”
– Charles Sanders Pierce

“To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me.”
– Charles William Stubbs

“Men should be like Kleenex…soft, strong, disposable. ”
– Cher

“A child’s life is like a piece of paper, on which every person leaves a mark.”
– Chinese Proverb

“I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.”
– Clarence Darrow

“Art is I, Science is we.”
– Claude Bernard

“Cheese… milk’s leap toward immortality.”
– Clifton Fadiman

“Now it was just the three of us: the leader, the warrior, and the kid about to wet his pants. Guess who I was.”
– D.J. Machale

“Men are simple things. They can survive a whole weekend with only three things: beer, boxer shorts and batteries for the remote control.. ”
– Diana Jordan.

“If your parents never had children, chances are you won’t, either.”
– Dick Cavett

“Doesn’t expecting the unexpected make the unexpected expected?”
– Dylan

“Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings.”
– Ed Gardner

“One machine can do the work of fifty ordinary men. No machine can do the work of one extraordinary man.”
– Elbert Hubbard

“The object of teaching a child is to enable him to get along without a teacher.”
– Elbert Hubbard

“It is no good to try to stop knowledge going forward. Ignorance is never better than knowledge.”
– Enrico Fermi

“Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.” ”
– Erma Bombeck

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