Witty Quotes And Sayings

by allinspiration.com

“You grow up the day you have your first real laugh – at yourself.”
– Ethel Barrymore

“The average person thinks he isn’t.”
– Father Larry Lorenzoni

“It is impossible to love and be wise. ”
– Francis Bacon

“The trouble with being punctual is that nobody’s there to appreciate it.”
– Franklin P. Jones

“A casual stroll through the lunatic asylum shows that faith does not prove anything.”
– Friedrich Nietzsche

“I can write better than anybody who can write faster, and I can write faster than anybody who can write better.”
– Friedrich Nietzsche

“Faith: not wanting to know what is true.”
– Friedrich Nietzsche

“Just going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in your garage makes you a car.”
– G.K. Chersterton

“I think I am, therefore, I am. I think…”
– George Carlin

“No one knows what’s next, but everybody does it.”
– George Carlin

“A man reserves his true and deepest love not for the species of woman in whose company he finds himself electrified and enkindled, but for that one in whose company he may feel tenderly drowsy. ”
– George Jean Nathan

“Don’t be so humble – you are not that great.”
– Golda Meir

“Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife. ”
– Groucho Marx

“You can’t buy love, but you can pay heavily for it.”
– Henny Youngman

“Things turn out best for those who make the best of the way things turn out.”
– Jack Buck

“The biggest critics of my books are the people who never read them.”
– Jackie Collins

“You have delighted us long enough.”
– Jane Austen

“I want my kids to have the things in life that I never had when I was growing up. Things like beards and chest hair.”
– Jarod Kintz

“I can tell if two people are in love by how they hold each other’s hands, and how thick their sanitation gloves are.”
– Jarod Kintz

“I want to write my own eulogy, and I want to write it in Latin. It seems only fitting to read a dead language at my funeral.”
– Jarod Kintz,

“It is always the best policy to tell the truth, unless of course you are an exceptionally good liar.”
– Jerome K. Jerome

“If a book about failures doesn’t sell, is it a success?”
– Jerry Seinfeld

“Men don’t care what’s on TV. They only care what else is on TV.”
– Jerry Seinfeld

“I’m trying to read a book on how to relax, but I keep falling asleep.”
– Jim Loy

“There are things known and there are things unknown, and in between are the doors.”
– Jim Morrison

“If God wanted us to bend over he’d put diamonds on the floor.”
– Joan Rivers

“Never stand between a dog and the hydrant.”
– John Peers

“If you’ve got them by the balls their hearts and minds will follow. ”
– John Wayne

“I’ve been to Canada, and I’ve always gotten the impression that I could take the country over in about two days.”
– Jon Stewart

“I wasn’t really naked. I simply didn’t have any clothes on.”
– Josephine Baker

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