Yet More Funny Sayings And Quotes For A Good Laugh

by allinspiration.com

“The only way the French are going in is if we tell them we found truffles in Iraq.” 
– Dennis Miller

“Men are simple things. They can survive a whole weekend with only three things: beer, boxer shorts and batteries for the remote control.. ”
– Diana Jordan.

“Humor is always based on a modicum of truth. Have you ever heard a joke about a father-in-law?”
– Dick Clark

“A sense of humor is part of the art of leadership, of getting along with people, of getting things done.”
– Dwight D. Eisenhower

“Humor can be dissected as a frog can, but the thing dies in the process and the innards are discouraging to any but the pure scientific mind.”
– E. B. White

“It’s funny how dogs and cats know the inside of folks better than other folks do, isn’t it?”
– Eleanor H. Porter

“You have to have funny faces and words, you can’t just have words. It is a powerful thing, and I think that’s why it’s hard for people to imagine that women can do that, be that powerful.”
– Ellen DeGeneres

“Things that go on at Happy Times are very funny this year, and if you were watching last year, some of the people you saw then as basically extras emerge as real characters in their own right this season, at least to some degree.”
– Ellen Muth

“Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.” ”
– Erma Bombeck

“Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.” 
– Erma Bombeck

“God gave us our relatives; thank God we can choose our friends.” 
– Ethel Mumford

“Men reach their sexual peak at eighteen. Women reach theirs at thirty five. Do you get the feeling that God is playing a practical joke?” 
– Rita Rudner

“It is impossible to love and be wise. ”
– Francis Bacon

“A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist.” 
– Franklin Jones

“The trouble with being punctual is that nobody’s there to appreciate it.” 
– Franklin P. Jones

“Experience is that marvellous thing that enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.” 
– Franklin P. Jones

“A celebrity is someone who works hard all his life to become known and then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.” 
– Fred Allen

“A man reserves his true and deepest love not for the species of woman in whose company he finds himself electrified and enkindled, but for that one in whose company he may feel tenderly drowsy. ”
– George Jean Nathan

“The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.” 
– George Jessel

“I know what Germans are. They are a funny people. They are always choosing someone to lead them in a direction which they do not want to go.”
– Gertrude Stein

“It is funny that men who are supposed to be scientific cannot get themselves to realise the basic principle of physics, that action and reaction are equal and opposite, that when you persecute people you always rouse them to be strong and stronger.”
– Gertrude Stein

“I know what Germans are. They are a funny people. They are always choosing someone to lead them in a direction which they do not want to go.”
– Gertrude Stein

“Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife. ”
– Groucho Marx

“Funny is when you’re serious.”
– Harvey Korman

“It’s funny about men and women. Men pay in cash to get them and pay in cash to get rid of them. Women pay emotionally coming and going. Neither has it easy.”
– Hedy Lamarr

“If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you!” 
– Henny Youngman

“You can’t buy love, but you can pay heavily for it.”
– Henny Youngman

“I hope that after I die, people will say of me: ‘That guy sure owed me a lot of money.’” 
– Jack Handy

“I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.” 
– Jackie Mason

“If aliens are watching us through telescopes, they’re going to think the dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them’s making a poop, the other one’s carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?” 
– Jerry Seinfeld

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