Funny Quotes Or Sayings To Tickle You

by allinspiration.com

“Life is a waste of time and time is a waste of life, so waste your time and have the time of your life!”
– Unknown

“Don’t think of death as an ending. Rather, think of it as a really effective way of reducing your expenses.”
– Unknown

“Life is too complicated in the morning.”
– Unknown

“When I told the doctor about my loss of memory, he made me pay in advance.”
– Unknown

“How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word? Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell ‘BINGO!’”
– Unknown

“Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.”
– Unknown

“The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.”
– Unknown

“I don’t suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.”
– Unknown

“Why is the place you drive on is a parkway, and the place you park on is the driveway?”
– Unknown

“I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.”
– W. C. Fields

“A woman drove me to drink – and I hadn’t even the courtesy to thank her.”
– W.C. Fields

“I exercise strong self-control. I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.”
– W.C.Fields

“My doctor gave me six months to live, but when I couldn’t pay the bill he gave me six months more.”
– Walter Matthau

“Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.”
– Will Rogers

“Diplomacy is the art of saying ‘Nice doggie’ until you can find a rock.”
– Will Rogers

“The trouble with political jokes is that very often they get elected.”
– Will Rogers

“When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.”
– Will Rogers

“Sorry, I’m allergic to bullshit.”
– Will Smith

“I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the ordeal of meeting me is another matter.”
– Winston Churchill

“Some guy hit my fender and I said “be fruitful and multiply” but not in those words.”
– Woody Allen

“My love life is terrible. The last time I was inside a woman was when I visited the Statue of Liberty.”
– Woody Allen

“How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?”
– Woody Allen

“I’m afraid of the dark and suspicious of the light.”
– Woody Allen

“Girls have an unfair advantage over men: If they can’t get what they want by being smart, they can get it by being dumb.”
– Yul Brynner

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